More Deadlier

Today's vignette:

2012-01-07T15:50:00.000-08:00

I know what they mean by minutes you can't have back
as I sit here assembling my service pack.

Officially old

2011-12-06T11:42:00.000-08:00

Reason #634: I just can't get myself to give a shit about 99% of the new bands these days.

Sigh.

Dear Jake,

2011-11-14T19:05:00.000-08:00

Oh yeah, THAT'S why you don't let the cats eat the plants.

Have fun cleaning that up.

Dear Jake,

2011-11-14T19:03:00.000-08:00

Let the cats eat the fucking plants. You only live once.

Thanks,

Jake

Somehow

2011-11-06T16:06:00.001-08:00

Somehow. Somehow I'll survive. Somehow I'll survive waiting an extra two days to get my haircut.

Somehow.

This point forward

2011-09-29T19:39:00.000-07:00

The past few years, this last year especially, have been epic in terms of figuring myself out and getting some sort of perspective on life and the real world. However, the more I understand the world and my place in it, the more I feel like I need to find everybody I've ever known and apologize for everything I've ever said or done. I've spent the vast majority of my life as a condescending know-it-all, confident that I was always in the right, not concerned with anybody's feelings but my own. I literally get sick when I think about the person I used to be. You think I'm a jerk today? Be glad you didn't know me 10 years ago.

But once again, I can't go back and change any of it. All I can do is make sure I do it better from this point forward. I feel like I know how to do that now, I guess I just hope it's not too late.

23/9

2011-09-26T14:30:00.001-07:00

September 23rd made it nine years in Seattle. Still the best decision I ever made.

Today's American Sentence

2011-09-25T15:26:00.000-07:00

I don't know if he can't or if he won't, all I know is that he don't.

Side effects

2011-09-06T13:49:00.000-07:00

One of the positive side effects of growing up I've discovered is that I spend a lot less time apologizing for stupid shit I say and/or do. These days it only occupies about 75% of my waking hours.

Again

2011-08-16T12:09:00.000-07:00

I need to start doing _ again.

And again.

And again, and again, and again, and again, and again, and again...

I am once again finding myself in a place where I have to jump-start all of my projects. Again. Once again I have to try and remember all of the things I was working on. Again. Once again I have to refocus and try not to get lost in routine. Again.

Yes, I'm sick of it. Yes, it frustrates me. Yes, I've said all of this a billion times and while I try to be positive, mostly likely I'll say it a billion more. Every time I try to change some part of my life, no matter how small, It always goes great for about three days and then I settle back down to my baseline. My norm. My routine. Some of the changes stick some of the time, but most often I simply get distracted or just plain forget that I was working on something. It frustrates the fuck out of me.

Things are changing though. Slowly. Very, very slowly. But I am making progress. I have to give myself some credit because I really have made some significant positive changes in the past few years. I just get tired of having to work on the same things over and over and over and over again. But I suppose that's the only way things will ever get done. I'll just have to keep working on it. I'll just have to find new ways to keep myself on task. I'll just have to find new ways to keep the stuff in the forefront of my mind. I'm sure that means making up more reminders, more lists, more plans and projects. I'll have my millionth STv10 launch party and this time it'll succeed, just like it was going to do the last 999,999 times.

But that's just it. This is just who I am. This is just how I work. I can't change the fundamental facts about my person. All I can do is do my best to work with what I've got. These are the tools that I have to work with. I can wish for different circumstances as much as I want but it's not going to happen. I need to accept that this is just how things work and that doesn't mean I need to give up on myself. I really am doing a lot better now than I ever have and I need to acknowledge my victories, because they are what is going to inspire and energize me to make more positive changes.

What do I really want to be doing right now? I'd really like to be writing, painting, playing music, reading, meditating and practicing kung fu. And like most of my previous victories I just need to do it and do it now. I need to set aside time and schedule my reading, writing, meditation, etc. I have more than enough time. For fuck's sake I'm not doing a god damned thing so I should have all the time in the world. The dishes and laundry can wait.

And I'm tired of being afraid. I didn't choose any of this. But it doesn't change the fact that it all is, and the fact that I have to make my way through it. And really, my challenges aren't that great. The reasons I'm unhappy with my life are by most accounts incredibly superficial. Even my "new" health issue is entirely manageable.

I'll admit it. I miss my old ignorance. I even miss my old semi-awareness. These days I'm entirely too aware, and primarily aware of the wrong things. But really, how does it affect me? I'm eating fine. I'm not losing any sleep over it. So it's not even that I am going to be OK. I am OK. There are just some things I need to accept. There are some things I need to adjust to. There are some things I need to change. And I can do it all. I know I can. I'm just not.

No, that's not fair. Yeah, I'm not doing everything I can at all times. But it is consistently in my thoughts and even if I'm starting over every single day, at least I'm starting. As long as I don't stop starting I'll continue to make progress. As long as I don't stop starting I'll keep moving forward. As long as I don't stop starting.

Don't stop starting.

88 Reasons

2011-08-09T19:02:00.001-07:00

There was a lot of talk in the news recently of the prediction that the rapture, the sudden calling of all X-tians to heaven, was going to happen on May 21st. I haven’t looked into the specific reasons for this prediction, but this stuff usually gets predicted every few years. This time around it wasn’t just going to be the sudden disappearance of people, it was going to be a giant devastating earthquake followed by huge tsunamis. I’m not sure where they’re pulling this stuff from, but they are on fire about it.

The rapture has played an embarrassingly significant part in my life, considering I spent just about 20 years in utter, abject horror of it happening. I was raised Pentecostal, and while they are intensely weird about a lot of stuff they are seriously focused on the rapture and the end times. My church had a very “believe this or else” vibe to it and we seemed to focus less on enjoying god’s love than avoiding his wrath. As a result I never really loved god, I only ever feared him. Not a great way to grow up.

I was first introduced to the book of Revelation and the end times when I was about 11 years old. I guess that was when they figured you were old enough to handle it. At the time it didn’t register that much because I just assumed that I would be called up with the faithful. However, the more we learned about it the more it seemed like there was pretty much no way to be faithful enough to make the cut. We weren’t learning to relax and enjoy the life that god had given us, we were learning to fear our creator and spend the whole thing trying to minimize the punishment received after death. At times it seemed like a no-win scenario, but that didn’t mean we should stop trying. We learned all about the horrors of hell, even sitting in the dark to emulate hell’s apparent pitch blackness. Yeah. We watched 1972’s A Thief in the Night, which showed us that being a good person and following the Ten Commandments wasn’t enough to make the cut. You could save a thousand nuns from a burning building, donate every cent you make to charity, find the cure for AIDS and go to church seven days a week, but if you don’t give your life to Jesus you’re still going to hell.

Suffice it to say I spent the vast majority of my formative years absolutely terrified. Terrified that whatever I was doing wasn’t good enough. Terrified that any moment god would call up his followers and begin the end of the world. Terrified that god would forsake me and leave me to struggle through the tribulation. You know, the kind of stuff most typical 12-year-olds are worried about.

…

The year is 1988. Edgar C. Whisenant publishes a pamphlet entitled 88 Reasons Why the Rapture Will Be in 1988, which predicted that Christ would return between September 11-13 of that year, and mails them to ministers across America. The minister at my church read his 88 reasons and took them seriously. He gave a few sermons letting the rest of us know and within days just about everyone at my church had a copy of the pamphlet and was starting to make preparations for the second coming of Jesus. At that point we only had a few months to prepare, and while no one went as far as selling off their earthly possessions, we all assumed that we had very little time left on this planet. Like before, I was much more afraid of being left behind than I was excited about being called up by god, and my church perpetuated that by focusing on the horrors that awaited us if we weren’t 101% ready for his return.

September 11th, 12th, and 13th came and went. The rapture did not happen and we all let out a huge sigh of relief. That was not the end of it though. We were quickly told that just because it didn’t happen when it was predicted didn’t mean that it wasn’t going to happen at some point. In fact, man was not supposed to be able to predict when it would happen so of course it’s no surprise that Whisenant’s prediction was wrong. It will still happen, and all signs point to it happening in our lifetime.

Things were different from that point forward. The rapture was now my greatest fear and something I was constantly conscious of and worried about. More than a few times a week I would see someone, look away for a second and when I looked back they’d be gone. My body would instantly become flushed with fear and my mind overrun with panic thinking they had just vanished. If I was at home I would run and turn on the X-tian radio station, at school I’d go looking for someone from my church that I knew would have vanished. The monumental relief that followed finding out it did not happen felt good, but the tension was never fully gone because I knew it was only a matter of time before it would happen all over again.

This went on for years. And years.

A lot of things factored into the gradual loss of my faith, but a major part of it was my fear of god slowly turning into anger and resentment. After all, if god loves us, why does he feel the need to constantly threaten us with eternal damnation? He creates the planet and and drops us all here without any choice. He then makes everything fun against the rules, which is just as well because pretty much everything on the planet kills you in one way or another anyway. We’re supposedly given the choice of whether or not to worship him, but it’s not exactly a free choice. I’ve heard god likened to a mugger with a gun to your head demanding your wallet. You technically have the choice of whether or not to give him your wallet, but if you don’t you’re going to meet a horrible end. What kind of free choice is that? If that’s the case, why even give us the choice to begin with?

At one point it occurred to me that god must have created hell just to give us some legitimate and convincing reason to worship him. After all, if there was no threat of eternal damnation, what other possible reason could we have to thank god for dumping us on a planet filled with pain, hate, and death? It’s straight up coercion. Like a firefighter that lights a house on fire, throws us inside, then demands that we thank him for it all before he saves us from the flames. Gee, thanks. My hero.

Up until a few years ago I was in a place where I still believed that god existed, he was just at best an incompetent retard, at worst a malicious asshole. I would blame god for every little thing that went wrong in my life, no matter how small. I’ll admit it was flattering that god stopped starving children in Africa long enough to help me spill something on my new pants, but it really didn’t seem like a sensible use of his time. See what I mean? Asshole.

...

These days I’m no longer afraid. I’ve done the reading, research, and soul searching I needed and I’m convinced it’s all bullshit. I don’t seriously expect the rapture to happen, and if it does I can admit that I was wrong. It won’t make god any less of an asshole, it will just be the proof I needed that the asshole exists. Until then all I can really do is make the best of what I have to work with and do what I can to un-wreak the havoc he’s wrought upon the world.

In the meantime they've pushed out their prediction until October 21st, but I'm not holding my breath.

Just Short

2011-06-29T10:28:00.000-07:00

I got to the poetry slam a little early last night so I got some coffee and spent some time wandering around downtown. On my way back to Rebar I was approached by a kid who looked maybe 19 or 20 and at least appeared relatively well put together. He said his name was Derek and that he just got to Seattle from Texas the day before. He apologized for bothering me but no one in the city seemed to want to listen to him. He seemed really nervous, uncomfortable but sincere. They way he told his story it sounded like he was getting away from something in Texas, though I figured the details were none of my business. He was staying at the Green Tortoise Hostel while he goes to see someone about a job on a fishing boat later this week. His stuff was all at the hostel and everything was mostly paid up. He was just short $9. I don't know what it was about him exactly, but I believed him. I gave him $10, wished him luck and sent him on his way. He stood there with a look of shock on his face and said "Really?". Even if it was a scam it was performed with remarkable talent and attention to detail. At the very least it was a small price to pay for a good performance.

As I always tell myself in moments like this: I've spent much, much more on much, much less.

Why is now so difficult?

2011-06-21T19:36:00.000-07:00

Why is now so difficult?

Why is now so difficult?
It should be the easiest of the three.
I'm stuck 30 seconds in the past, that's why.
Too late for foresight,
Too soon for hindsight.
Another missed opportunity to frame
and hang on my wall.

I'm sorry we don't get along.

2011-06-12T20:51:00.000-07:00

I'm sorry we don't get along.
Well, I'm sorry I don't get along with you.
That's just not the way I do it.
It's not that I don't want to
You just make it as difficult as possible.
Just barely beyond arm's reach
Constantly under one foot or the other.

I Feel It More

2011-05-25T14:31:00.000-07:00

I feel it more this year
Than the previous few.
I notice it.
I really notice it.
It's been so dark
The last month,
The one before.
It's a different kind of warm.
Unique.
Everything is greener,
And redder,
And yellower,
etc.

I'll Wait

2011-05-21T17:46:00.000-07:00

And this, my friends, is why you should not do drugs:

I’ll Wait

(It’s starting to look like) I’ll (actually) wait.
Holy shit, that was Union! (Bad choice).
I don’t (didn’t) want to go this way.
One (1) more parentheses and I’m fucking done.
One more. (Seriously).
You winner.

(I waited)

Mrs. Pfafenroth

2011-04-21T09:01:00.001-07:00

Another exercise. This one is about my first grade teacher.

Mrs. Pfafenroth

“I know this one too!” I told myself
And thrust my arm into the air.
Again and again you choose someone else
Defeated, I sink in my chair

You’re making hard work of my efforts to prove
That I’m smarter than all these kids are.
The stupid boy that you picked over me
Can’t even spell U.S.S.R.

After four or five times I raised my voice
Tears of frustration and anger grew.
You pulled me aside, wiped my eyes and said
“I save all the tough ones for you”

Desk

2011-04-18T12:13:00.000-07:00

It was just an exercise but it's officially my first finished poem:

Desk

The coffee cup just stood there
Next to the external disk
One laptop laid on top the other
Under scraps of paper scribbled with notes
Empty Splendas and web registration instructions
Scattered over the Tech Tools Pro
The phone now quiet
The checklist unchecked
STATA unopened
The D630 at rest
Post-it notes and business cards
Remote controls and staplers
File folders, telephone
Empty disk enclosures.

Suck

2011-04-18T11:09:00.000-07:00

On Friday I was walking across campus and I saw a guy sitting in the window of a coffee house wearing a shirt that said 'It sucks to be me'. At first I laughed and shook my head and thought 'yeah, it sucks to be anybody'. A second later I stopped dead in my tracks. It's something that's very easy to say and joke about, but really, how bad does it suck to be me? I took an inventory of my life. There are parts that I am happy with and there are parts I never seem to stop trying to change. I definitely spend a lot more of my time worrying about and trying to fix the things that I don't like about my life than I do enjoying the parts I like.

But standing there and looking at the bigger picture I had to admit *gasp*, it doesn't suck to be me.

The only part of that realization that's disappointing is that it took me this long to realize and appreciate that fact. But like so (so, so, so, so, so, so) many things in my life, better late than not at all.

Round three

2011-02-02T15:28:00.000-08:00

The past month or so has been a little tough (well, as tough as my life really gets these days) but things are steadily moving forward.

December brought another fun not-so-subtle reminder of my own mortality and kicked off yet another round of existential bullshit. Good times. There were a few significant differences this time around though. The last couple times I went through this the toughest part was the constant pit of fear I had in my stomach. It prevented me from eating and sleeping, and pretty much everything else. It kept the fear and worry in the forefront of my mind and barely gave me a moment’s rest. This time was defined by a marked calm, which got frustrating at times because I didn’t even feel like I should be losing sleep or appetite. It would disappear for long stretches as I went through the business of everyday life until I would stop for a second and remember, “oh yeah, I’m freaking out”. Instead of being afraid or worried the world just seemed very surreal. I could look at anything and know exactly what it was, where it came from and what purpose it served. Still, knowing all that didn’t (and still doesn’t) answer the existential biggie: “yeah, but what is it?”

Like last time, the facts and circumstances of my life really haven’t changed at all. I just know more about myself and am more aware of life in general, which always takes some adjustment. In fact, one of the bigger mysteries in my life has finally been solved and I have less to worry about in most respects. Sorry, that’s all the info you get for now. Anyway, I don’t think I’m done in either the long term or the short term, but each time around it gets shorter and easier to deal with. When it started up I didn’t fight it. I told myself that I’ll just deal with it and make sure that some lasting, positive change comes out of it. And so far so good. The main thing that I am working on realizing and accepting this time is the simple truth that none of this has to make any sense. The whys are irrelevant. Everything is, regardless of all possible whys and hows. So I can either spend the rest of my life in some endless and futile search for meaning, or I can just accept that it is what it is and make the best of what I have to work with.

Sorry. It doesn’t make any more sense in my own head…

Sigh

2011-01-28T10:26:00.000-08:00

I met the most beautiful and amazing woman last night at a friend's birthday party and we danced all night. Of course she turned out to be 23.

Sigh.

...

2010-12-20T11:49:00.001-08:00

This was a weekend of ups and downs, but it did an incredible job of showing me how many amazing people I have in my life. I'm truly grateful for each and every one of you.

get started

2010-12-11T17:33:00.000-08:00

Never mind my fear of death. I am so fucking sick of being afraid to live.

It's time to get started.

A Reminder

2010-12-03T08:55:00.000-08:00

If I get old, I will not give in
But if I do, remind me of this.
Remind me that once I was free,
Once I was cool, once I was me.

And if I sat down and crossed my arms,
Hold me to this song.

Knock me out, smash out my brains,
If I take a chair, start to talk shit.....

If I get old, remind me of this:
That night we kissed, and I really meant it.

Whatever happens, if we're still speaking.
Pick up the phone, play me this song.

Radiohead - A Reminder

All of this...

2010-10-24T13:17:00.000-07:00

...is the best I can?

Serious danger

2010-10-02T09:22:00.001-07:00

It's really frustrating to be me sometimes. And just to clarify I said frustrating, not difficult. Seriously though, I defy any of you to be me for a day and try to actually get anything done. But in all honesty it's much, much less frustrating than it used to be.

Once again, I am in serious danger of growing up.

Sigh...

2010-09-24T11:00:00.000-07:00

Last night I had a dream that I went to a party at my crush's house with a bunch of her friends. There's a lot of potential there and it's my dream so anything can happen, right? Well, here's what happened: I hung out on the couch a little while and then her husband gave me a ride home in his pickup truck. Just to twist the knife he smoked cigarettes the whole time with the windows rolled up. Bloody hell.

Tina said it best: I am really bad at dreaming.

done.

2010-09-19T22:03:00.001-07:00

I'm done with this shit.

Everything changes. Starting now.

Last chance cutie!

2010-09-13T14:19:00.000-07:00

I was standing at the bus stop on Greenwood Ave late (late) on Friday night. I had just left Boo's fantastic book release party and was feeling pretty good as I waited for the last bus home. There was plenty of traffic going up and down the road but not much on the pedestrian side. As I spaced out an African-American gentleman approached me with a six pack of Heineken bottles and a newspaper under his arm. He made some sketchy yet polite conversation, offering to sell me the beer for half of what it cost him. I assured him that I was doing just fine but appreciated the offer. He seemed satisfied enough with that answer. He took a step back, looked me up and down and said, "Damn, you're a handsome fella". I laughed and thanked him. He says, "Seriously, I'm not even gay but I'll try anything once". I laughed slightly less at that one. He continued, "you want to come back to my boy's house and smoke some meth? I just want to get high and get laid." I told him that it sounded like a fantastic time but I was doing just fine.

The bus finally arrived and I grabbed a seat up front while my new friend sat in the back. As we approached downtown he came up and sat next to me. "Last chance cutie! I got you boxed in now!", he laughed. I assured him one last time that I was all set for the night, after which he got off the bus.

Sigh. I can't buy a date with a woman in this city but I can't keep the dudes off me. Well, at least the meth smoking ones...

Anicca

2010-09-08T16:07:00.000-07:00

The past weekend was a good one but I think it will be the last Vipassana retreat I do, at least for a while.

Heading down there I was actually pretty excited. It felt like a lot longer than six months since I had done my first 10-day retreat and I was ready for another break. I had picked up a meditation bench a little while back and while not regularly by any means I had been finding 15-20 minutes a few times a week to sit. It's hard to find/make time for that kind of stillness in everyday life and I was most excited about having nothing but stillness for four days. I was in a relatively good head space too, or so I thought. I had some heavier things on my mind, but nothing that really stressed me out too much. Over all I was in a good spot to be doing another, albeit shorter, sit.

We got a bit of a late start but the drive down was smooth. Once we got there the manager checked us in and gave us our room assignments. Oddly enough I was in the same room and the same bed I was in the first time around. Since we were late and the others had already started their first sit we just unpacked our stuff and got set up in our rooms. My roommate got in late as well, actually he drove in right behind us, so we got to chat a little bit before Noble Silence started. After getting everything unpacked I hit the sack around 9:30 in eager anticipation of the 4AM wake-up call.

The first morning went just fine. I got up at 4:00 and made it to the hall for morning meditation at 4:30. I went through the days events in relative peace and tranquility up until the nightly discourse. The discourse is the time every night when the instructor talks about the theory and the technique to help us get a better understanding of what we're doing. Unfortunately the teacher is terrible. The courses are taught via video and audio tapes from the head instructor in India. I'll spare you the details but listening to the man is insufferable. The discourse in an hour and 15 minutes long. He'll make pretty much every point he has to make in the first four sentences and will then spend the rest of the time repeating and belaboring said points. I didn't think it was going to bother me as much as it did. But he would literally repeat every other sentence or say the exact same thing two, three or four times in a row.

Anyway, the first night's discourse sort of broke my spirit. The teachers talks kind of a lot through the whole thing and for whatever reason every little sound he made annoyed the hell out of me. There really weren't very long stretches of stillness that he didn't interrupt in one way or another. I could make it through the chanting and most of the 'instruction', but for the discourses I had to distract myself. I don't understand how anyone ever thought that guy could teach anything. Anyone, and I mean anyone could teach it twice as well in half the time. More than a few times I was convinced they only instituted Noble Silence because the students kept telling the teacher to shut up so they could meditate.

Alright, that's enough negativity.

The grounds themselves are beautiful and I spent a lot of time walking around. I saw the usual family of deer as well as a bevy of birds, giant slugs, spiders and butterflies. I heard a rooster crow a couple times as the sun came up on Saturday. I even saw a couple wooly bear caterpillars. I don't think I've seen any of those since grade school. The place is out in the middle of nowhere and at night (or four o'clock in the morning) the sky is absolutely stunning. I spent a bunch of time just sitting in the grass looking up at the stars or watching the clouds. The last night there it was pitch black with clear skies and nothing, not even a whisper of a breeze. I sat on the bench down in the lower walking area and enjoyed the nothingness. There was no light and no sound. I could hear little animals shuffle though the tall grass occasionally, but otherwise it was just me and the stars.

Overall the weekend was a positive experience. I did get to sort out some stuff in my head and I met some great people. But it did make me realize that the whole thing might not be what I'm looking for, at least not right now. The facilities are amazing and the staff were great and when I meditate I will be using the Vipassana technique. However, the whole thing with the retreats is just a lot more than what I need. I'm not looking to drill down to the core of my misery and purge it from my mind and body. Perhaps that will come with time, but for right now my primary focus with meditation has more to do with creating stillness and cultivating mindfulness. I would still recommend it to my friends to try at least once but it will be a while before I'll be ready to sit through another three day, much less ten day, retreat.

Plugging Hawking in

2010-09-07T12:13:00.000-07:00

This past weekend I had a dream that Stephen Hawking came over to my apartment. We were trying to plug in his wheelchair, but the cord on it was barely a foot long. I looked around for an extension cord that was both long enough to reach the outlet (behind the desk) and had the right kind of adapter to fit the weird plug his wheelchair had. Don't worry though, we found one.

Yeah.

More on this weekend later.

Getting old sucks...

2010-08-27T11:55:00.001-07:00

The other night I had a dream that I was sitting on my couch imagining that I was making out with a girl. Dreams are supposed to be cool. I can do that shit when I'm awake...

Health/Safety Notice:

2010-08-25T12:15:00.000-07:00

For your safety:

I would recommend that you NOT, um, alter your consciousness and watch a documentary on Super String Theory.

Holy shit...

Just...........wow

2010-08-12T09:40:00.000-07:00

So my office-mate spends pretty much every day reading ebooks online. As such, she cannot be bothered to answer the phone or emails, or do any work at all really. Yesterday when she went to lunch I took a peek at her computer screen to see what is so captivating. It's much, much worse than I thought. She spends her entire days reading......Harry Potter fan fiction.

No shit.

Prayer

2010-07-18T21:57:00.000-07:00

I wrote a prayer tonight. Not just any prayer mind you, this one is special. In fact, it's the only prayer I'll ever need. I called it You're Here and it goes like this:

It doesn't matter how,
and it doesn't matter why.
You're here.
Fucking deal with it.

Amen.

No defense

2010-07-14T11:28:00.000-07:00

Last night in kung fu class my instructor was going over a few things with the beginners. At one point he said, "There is one strike that you cannot defend against", meaning the strike that you don't see coming. However, the second he finished the sentence one of the beginners struck the crane kick pose from Karate Kid.

Brilliant.

Any night that ends...

2010-07-05T16:24:00.000-07:00

...on the roof of the Lusty Lady can be considered an epic one. But it didn't get off to that great a start.

I got my shit together around 3 and headed out to Rob's house for his BBQ. As I walked out the door I could feel it misting a bit, but it was the kind of mist that didn't actually get you wet so I didn't think anything of it. Besides, it wasn't supposed to rain. About halfway there it starting misting a little harder. And then a little harder. Soon it was misting good and hard, I was soaked, and the cardboard carrier holding the beer was falling apart. Go me. I decided to cut my loses, ditch the beer and towel off at home. I was really looking forward to hanging out at Rob's, but it didn't seem like soaked, crabby and miserable was a good way to meet new people. I'll make it up to him some other time.

Scott came over around 6 and about 20 minutes later Jayme swung by and gave us a ride out to Alki to see the Absolute Monarchs (Shawn's band). They had made an indelible impression when they played the in-store at Easy Street Records and the owner had asked them to play at his house for the 4th. It was a pretty cool set up. The party seemed like mostly Hate City kids, which I was once again surprised at how many of them I actually know and how friendly they are despite their rep. I overheard a group of them talking and one of them said something about it now being against the rules to fight someone not on the team. Of course they can still fight each other all they want. But seriously, the ones that I know are some of the nicest guys, at least to me. I was a little surprised when Punk's Not Dead and Sheena showed up, but by that time I had had enough beer to not care much.

Anyway, Monarchs played out on the back lawn around 9. They sounded as good as I've ever heard them and the crowd really liked them. This was one of the first shows where Joel's vocals were actually turned up loud enough for you to hear them. During their set some people set off some giant smoke bombs that gave off orange and blue smoke. It was very rock and roll, but not very conducive to watching the show and/or breathing. They didn't play a very long set, mostly due to the wet grass shorting out all of their pedals, but it was solid as hell. They've written some seriously great songs. After they were done we all crossed the street and looked out over the water at the fireworks. I don't think we saw the 'official' fireworks, but looking out over the horizon you could see fireworks going off all down the line. The night was overcast, so you could see the flash of the fireworks reflected off of the clouds. It was pretty cool.

We took off shortly after and went back to the Hill. We went to a newer bar called Highline, which is were Club Lagoon used to be (the place with the Lamborghini Countach on the roof). I was bummed to see the Lamborghini gone, as without it the Hill is a little bit less fun. Highline is a vegan bar/restaurant and the food was pretty decent. The drinks weren't very strong though so I don't know how many times I'll pass through there. Around bar time we were all just sitting around the table finishing our drinks and our conversations. During a lull, Russ says that tonight is the last night that his key will open up the Lusty Lady and asks if we want to go down there. The only possible answer to that is yes, so we grab some beer and snacks at City Market and make the trek down there.

Russ unlocks the door and we all go inside. They've been tearing the insides apart for the past week or so and the place is in disarray. Three of the people we were with used to work there, so we explored all of the nooks and I heard all of the ghost stories. We went up on the stage and back in the admin offices. We found random treasures like packs of cigarettes and boxes of latex gloves. I got some great pictures. After a round of beers Russ suggests we hit the roof, so we make our way to the back window. Now, the Lusty Lady is on first ave which means that the front of it is at street level. But like the market, the other side of the building goes straight down about four stories. That makes climbing out on the old metal fire escape pretty exhilarating. We climb up four flights of stairs and make our way up the final puny (and terrifying) ladder. The roof is cool. The building is flanked on both sides with tall condos, but from the front you can see up and down First Ave. From the back you can see the docks and across the water, or at least you could when it's not 3AM. Another round of beers and conversation followed. When things started getting cold we carefully climbed back down and through the window.

I got home around 4AM and hit the sack shortly after. It was definitely a unique adventure and a 4th I won't forget anytime soon.

Pride

2010-06-28T09:16:00.001-07:00

My old high school friend Denise was in town this weekend and a few of us headed down to the Pride parade/fest. It was my first time at either and it was about as nuts as you'd imagine. I learned a few things during the parade. For example, there's apparently a Mr. and Mrs. Seattle Goth competition. There's also an all lesbian karate team. There was a Filipino youth dance troupe that performed a native dance before two of the girls jumped in the middle of the circle and started wailing on each other with escrima sticks. It was cool. Afterward we walked down to Seattle Center to check out the fest with everybody else. They had a couple stages set up for the drag queens to do karaoke, but otherwise there wasn't much to actually do that didn't involve buying something. We just laid in the grass for a couple hours and people watched, something that is endlessly entertaining at Seattle Center when it's not pride and staggering when it is. Over all it was a pretty good time. I made some new friends and reconnected with an old one:

One of my companions noticed that my friend looked like he was staring nervously off into space. I asked her to keep her voice down because I felt it was pretty obvious that I make him self conscious.

Ah, penis jokes.

Opening to Forgiveness

2010-06-22T20:03:00.000-07:00

Ribono shel olam...

Trying to come up with my goals for 2010 was, like every other year, both simple and difficult. There are the standards: lose weight, get out of my apartment more, see my friends more, travel more, etc. I make those promises every year and every year I keep them to a greater or lesser extent. Of course I reaffirmed those promises, but I wanted this year to be different. I wanted to do something different, which sounds simple enough but I had absolutely no idea what that even meant much less how to go about implementing something like that. I could come up with all kinds of philosophical hurdles to leap over, no end to stuff in my head to rearrange. I have notebooks full of lists. Lists of things that I want to change. Lists of books to read and things I want to write. Lists of projects to start and projects to finish. I'm good at making lists, not as good at actually checking anything off of them. Where to start?

I was at work this past December, in a doctor's office trying to figure out why his laptop wasn't printing. I was getting frustrated (as usual) because everything was just as it should be (as usual), it was just plain not working (as usual). Pushing away from the desk to give myself some space to simmer down a little, I took a deep breath, blinked a few times and rubbed my eyes. As they came back into focus I took in my surroundings. This particular doctor was Jewish and had several Jewish-y items on his desk, shelves, and walls. My eyes moved from one item to another, not understanding much as my Hebrew is, well, it just isn't. Moving back towards the desk I caught a glimpse of something written in English hanging on the wall just to the left of his monitor. It was a Jewish prayer called "Opening to Forgiveness" and it went something like this:

Majestic Presence of the Universe, I now forgive all who have hurt me, all who have done me wrong,
whether deliberately or by accident, whether by words, by deed, or by thought, whether against my pride,
my person, or my property, in this incarnation or in any other. May no one be punished on my account.

It was the exact right thing I needed to hear at the exact right time. That would be it. That's where I would start.

Of all my talents, I would have to say that holding a grudge is up there as one of the more destructive. I won't remember what you said to me five minutes ago, but if you have wronged me in any way you can pretty much count on me never forgetting. It's another one of the character building traits I acquired from my mother, yet up until that point it had really not been that obvious to me. Take a minute to recover from the shock of that if you need to. In all fairness, it's a trait that a lot of (if not most) people have possessed throughout the whole of human history. There would be no classical literature without grudges and revenge. But I still furrow my brow over things that were said or done to me in high school. Really, no one has ever wronged me in any great or profound way. It's a lot of mental baggage and it gets exhausting having to drag it from place to place.

I want to be done. From now on I want to make a conscious effort to, as the Buddhists say, 'let it be then let it go'. It's definitely going to take some time and effort, but I genuinely believe it's going to be worth both.

That doesn't mean that I'm never going to be pissed off at you again, especially considering the dumb shit you're constantly saying and doing. But I'll get over it.

The rest of me

2010-05-18T11:20:00.001-07:00

I went out to the UW Street Fair this weekend. It was an interesting assortment of crafts, food, entertainment and people. At one point I ran into my old dance friend Lorraine and she dragged me up the street to where one of her friend's bands was playing. They were kind of an early rock and roll/jump swing band so we got in a couple of dances. Shawn and Yuki happened by while I was taking a break. They had never seen me dance before so they asked me show them and afterward Yuki asked me how long I'd been dancing. I said I did it regularly for years but it was a part of my life that hadn't really come out much lately. Shawn replied that it was good to see the rest of me finally coming out.

Sigh.

Actually living

2010-05-06T09:36:00.000-07:00

I was restless last night. Tuesday night I had gone out to Chop Suey to catch the High on Fire show. It was a great show, but despite leaving early I was definitely tired yesterday. When I got home from work I realized that I didn't have anything at all planned for the night. I always wish I had more nights like that, but when they actually come around I freak out because I don't know what to do. I can pull out my mile long to-do list and I won't feel like doing anything on it. I talked on the phone for a bit and started cleaning the apartment a little. I didn't have the energy to do anything but I felt like I should be using the time to some sort of productive end.

In the midst of my restless activity I remembered a quote I read recently in Thich Nhat Hanh's mindfulness book 'Peace is Every Step'. He said that we're "very good at preparing to live but not very good at actually living". I decided that for the night I was just going to live. I grabbed a beer from the fridge, put on an old Sunny Day Real Estate album and sat on the couch enjoying them both.

It was a good night.

Bonobo

2010-04-26T19:46:00.001-07:00

What a night.

Odawni came over for some food a little earlier last night and around 9:30 we made our way down to the Showbox for the Bonobo show. As we were walking down Pike Street we stopped for the red light at 12th. Directly in front of us, above Boom Noodle, there are condos. In the condo facing us was a nice middle aged lady working out by watching an aerobics video tape. She had left the curtains open so we were all privy to this exhibition. It was nothing against her though. Brad Pitt would look like an idiot doing an aerobics tape. As we stood there waiting for the light to change several other people came up behind us. Very soon there were about a dozen of us watching the aerobics lady. It was funnier if you were there. And not sober.

We got to the show and grabbed some drinks. As I stood there drinking mine this 7'5" guy with crazy mad scientist hair rushes up to me and says, "I dig your style. Where do you get your hair cut?" Caught completely off guard I stammer out the name of the place, which he apparently knows. He tells me that he wants to cut off all of his hair, and then abruptly turns and takes off. Alright.

The show itself was pretty rad. The first band we saw was called Anomie Belle, who were a downtempo, almost sort of trip-hoppy band. They had a full band plus a violin and cello player. The music was great and the lead singer lady was phenomenal. I went over to the merch table when they were done and talked to the bass player for a while. I was surprised to find out they were local. I haven't seen a lot of local bands but I've usually at least heard their name or seen it around. Anyway, they're playing a show in a few weeks that I'm definitely going to catch. The next band was a Houston band called Yppah. They're on Ninja Tunes and are also on the downtempo track. They were entirely instrumental and their drummer and bass player fucking slayed. In addition to the usuals they also had a DJ filling in samples and doing a bunch of scratching. It was cool. However, the headlining band, Bonobo, were terrible. They had the same general theme going as the previous bands but they went about it all wrong. The head guy was an extremely talented multi-instrumentalist, playing alto/tenor/bass sax, flute, and clarinet through their set. I didn't think it really fit in that well though. It didn't help that I wasn't much into the music in general. I sat there trying to put my finger on what it was that didn't work for me. I wanted to say they sounded like what I imagine those Pure Mood CDs sound like, but that wasn't quite it. Suddenly it hit me: they sounded like a collaboration between Kenny G and the Dave Matthews Band. No joke. With that in mind I looked around and noticed that sure enough, the crowd definitely looked like a mix between a Kenny G and Dave Matthews concert as well. They had a singer that came out for a few songs that weren't too bad. She had an amazing voice. She looked and sounded a lot like Macy Gray. Unfortunately Kenny G + Dave Matthews + Macy Gray still equals suck. The show as a whole was still great though. I went to see bands I otherwise wouldn't have and was introduced to a couple that I really liked. Success.

We walked home and got to my apartment around 2AM. Walking up the block we came across a pickup truck parked diagonally across the driveway. One of the older residents was standing on the other side of it sort of swaying from side to side. As we passed he said to himself, "Peeing on your own car. I've never done that before", which is of course when we noticed that he was peeing on his car. The most fucked up thing is that he undoubtedly drove home in that condition.

Still, a great night.

Weigh In

2010-04-16T10:22:00.000-07:00

I weighed myself at the gym last week and was pleasantly surprised at the results. This is the least I've weighed since I started keeping track almost six years ago. Really though, this is probably the least I've weighed since I was at least 24 or 25, as pathetic as that is. Even worse, I'm not that far off from what I wrestled at in high school. From my heaviest point to now I've lost about 54 pounds. The funny thing is that I haven't been exercising nearly as consistently as I usually do. The not funny thing is that I had that much weight to lose to start with. The even less funny thing is that I'm not done yet. Ugh.

At any rate, it's good to finally see some results. The stagnation was killing what little willpower I was able muster for this stuff.

Whew...

2010-04-06T14:30:00.000-07:00

I saw on CNN that Tiger Woods is going to start playing golf again. That should finally put an end to the string of earthquakes, volcanoes, and mine/refinery disasters we've had to endure in his absence. Thank you for playing professional golf Tiger. Without you our world is adrift in a sea of chaos. Thank you.

Seattle just called me fat

2010-04-01T14:29:00.001-07:00

I walked down to the gym today at lunch as usual. The day was beautiful, sunny with mostly blue skies and huge puffy white clouds. However, upon entering the locker room I realized/decided that I just didn't have the energy for it today. Instead I figured that it was a perfect day for a nice long walk along the Burke-Gilman trail. I grab my stuff and go back upstairs, but as I reach the front door I look outside and see that the sky is completely dark and it is pouring rain. Of course I didn't bring my umbrella.

Fine.

I went back downstairs and changed into my workout gear. I climb the stairs to the third floor to start my workout and see that the sun is shining (again) and the sky is perfectly blue (again).

Fine.

To crush

2010-03-25T20:21:00.000-07:00

Or not to crush, that is today's question.

I have the hugest crush on a woman I see on the bus to work in the morning. She's cute, she has good style and she only lives a few blocks away from me. She appears to be older than 23 and comes off as cool but not overly hip. I can picture her hanging out with me and my friends, even Shawn. The problem, as always, is that I can't decide whether or not to talk to her. However, this time around it's not just good old fashioned cowardice. Over-thinking it as usual I quickly realized that there is a potential long term consequence of asking this girl out: Unless everything goes swimmingly, the morning commute will get really awkward really quick.

I don't deal well with awkward situations and the potential threat of one is usually enough to turn me away from any course of action. I know no one likes awkward situations and I should just man up, grow up, face up, etc and deal with it like an adult. My policy of avoidance has already made me miss out on opportunities, both big and small. I know this and I'm working on it, but like everything else I have going on it is still very much a work in progress.

Anyway, I'm kind of stuck on this one. This is the first woman I've seen in quite a while that I've actually considered approaching. If I had run into her somewhere like the Redwood I wouldn't have any hesitation about talking to her. Shut up. No, seriously. But even taking my trepidation out of the equation it seems like an iffy idea. If nothing else I don't want to make her morning commute awkward and/or weird. That's not cool. The smart thing to do is probably to just leave this one alone.

Ten Days

2010-03-17T20:32:00.000-07:00

I came home this past Sunday afternoon to a nice clean apartment and a couple very-happy-to-see-me cats. I put my stuff down and laid down on the bed. I had just finished a 10 Day Vipassana retreat and it was unlike anything I've ever experienced before.

I took off on Wednesday, leaving Seattle in the mid-afternoon with the intention of getting the Northwest Vipassana Center around 4PM. The Center was just outside of a town called Onalaska and according to the directions was a little more than halfway to Portland, a little over two hours from Seattle. It was pretty easy to find and I actually made it a little earlier than I thought I would. I parked by the office and went inside to register. The manager gave me some paperwork to fill out and my room assignment. With the i's dotted and the t's crossed I went to have a look around.

Whatever my expectations were before arriving, the Center definitely exceeded them. It was a nice wide open space with a big male dorm off to the West and a still in construction female dorm off to the East. There was the main building, which served as the dining hall, and the larger meditation hall to the North. Otherwise the whole space was mostly slightly hilly fields with walking paths worn into them. After a quick tour I grabbed my stuff and went over to my room. The male dorms were a lot nicer than I was expecting. In fact, they were brand new as of the last year and pretty much had all the comforts of home. Each two-person room had separate sleeping quarters, a full bathroom with shower, a small common area and even a skylight. I don't really know why, but I thought the accommodations would be more, I don't know, I guess primitive. I didn't think we'd be sleeping on straw mats on the floor, but I had at least figured we'd all be sharing one bathroom. Anyway, in the middle of unpacking my roommate, a nice fellow by the name of Udid, came in and said hello. We talked out some of the roommate stuff while we still could and finished setting up our rooms.

A little later we heard the dinner gong so we made our way to the dining hall. With everyone in one room they went over some general info and took any questions we had. Afterward we all went into the meditation hall. We were assigned a spot on the floor where we took a seat and waited for further instruction. They introduced the assistant teachers and they explained how the course was run. Basically all of the instruction was given via video and audio recording of S.N. Goenka, the head instructor from India. With that they pressed play and we got our first instructions from the man.

He laid out the groundwork and base rules for the ten days. We had to agree to abide by the Five Precepts for the duration of the retreat. Simply put, the Five Precepts are to abstain from killing, stealing, sex, lying, and intoxicants. No sweat. Afterward he instituted Nobel Silence. Noble Silence is silence of body, speech and mind. What that means is that any form of communication with fellow students, whether by gestures, sign language, written notes, etc., is prohibited. We weren't even supposed to make eye contact. For all intents and purposes we were to pretend that everyone else didn't exist. This was to create a feeling of working in isolation which was important for what we were going to be doing. We could however still ask the instructors questions if we needed to. We sat in silent meditation for a short while before being sent to bed around 9:00.

There was a reason we went to bed at 9:00: the wake up gong rings at 4AM. It rings again at 4:20AM. The daily schedule broke down as such:

4:00 am - Morning wake-up bell
4:30-6:30 am - Meditate in the hall or in your room
6:30-8:00 am - Breakfast break
8:00-9:00 am - Group meditation in the hall
9:00-11:00 am - Meditate in the hall or in your room according to the teacher's instructions
11:00-12:00 noon - Lunch break
12noon-1:00 pm - Rest and interviews with the teacher
1:00-2:30 pm - Meditate in the hall or in your room
2:30-3:30 pm - Group meditation in the hall
3:30-5:00 pm - Meditate in the hall or in your own room according to the teacher's instructions
5:00-6:00 pm - Tea break
6:00-7:00 pm - Group meditation in the hall
7:00-8:15 pm - Teacher's Discourse in the hall
8:15-9:00 pm - Group meditation in the hall
9:00-9:30 pm - Question time in the hall
9:30 pm - Retire to your own room--Lights out

After the first morning getting up at 4AM actually wasn't difficult at all. It got a little harder near the end of the course, but for the most part I adjusted to the schedule just fine.

The first morning we gathered in the meditation hall to receive our instruction. We were to start out meditation by simply focusing on our breathing. We spent the first three days working on that. Just relaxing and focusing on our respiration. Nothing to think about, just trying to focus on our breath and trying to keep our mind from running off too often. What it turned into for me (and I later found out for just about everyone else) was a life or death game of "get the least-worst song stuck in your head as possible". Midway through that second morning a song popped into my head while I was trying to focus on my breath and I could not get it out for the life of me. It drove me nuts. I'm not going to tell you what it was, or you'll never be able to breathe without singing it. It actually became really frustrating. I remember walking on one of the outdoor paths on the third day and feeling defeated and helpless. I really didn't think I was going to make it past this. I know it sounds pathetic and dumb but it really was wearing me down. On the walk back to my room a new song popped into my head. I stopped and I smiled. Seriously, if it wasn't for the Beach Boys' "Let's Go Away For A While" I probably would have thrown in the towel. Throughout the ten days I always had one song or another stuck in my head, but as the days went on I had a repertoire of "safe" songs that I could pick from and they started playing in the background of my thoughts.

On Day 4 we learned the Vipassana meditation technique. This is the technique that the buddha, Siddhartha Gautama, reputedly used to attain enlightenment. It's a form of mindfulness meditation, except it is contained entirely within the body. What you do is start from the top of your head and working your way down you scan every part of your body and try to detect 'sensations', both good and bad. Now, he never did a super fantastic job of describing the sensations we're supposed to be feeling, but in his defense this was partly on purpose because everybody feels something different. It really could be anything. Anything from and itch, to a tingle, to hot, to cold, to subtle vibrations. The point was to be aware of what your body was feeling at the present moment and to not get attached to any of the sensation whether they were positive or negative. I was ecstatic. Finally, something to keep my mind occupied!

The next couple days I worked on the technique. When we did detect a sensation, we were supposed to view it objectively, or as Goenka said "with perfect equanimity". Now, over the course of the ten days he probably used the word equanimity about 20,000 times but never did a good job of explaining what it meant. He actually didn't do a good job of explaining anything. Anyway, I didn't know the word but by the context I could glean it's meaning. I defined it for myself as the Cosmic Whatevs. An example would be feeling an itch on your nose. You would view the itch objectively and not just blindly scratch it like your mind would normally tell your body to. The whole thing seemed a little trivial to me and I even asked the assistant teacher if not scratching my nose was really the first step towards enlightenment. He laughed and gave me a pretty good explanation of what we're really trying to do. We're trying to not react to the sensations. If we felt a negative sensation we were not supposed to create feelings of aversion towards it. Conversely, if we felt a positive sensation we were not suppose to generate a feeling of craving, although I honestly couldn't think of any sensation that could possibly happen while sitting there that I could possibly crave.

It was still frustratingly easy for my mind to trail off, but it was explained that this is natural and ordinary and that I shouldn't get frustrated. When I notice I've trailed off I should just bring myself back to what I was doing. However, my bigger point of frustration was my apparent inability to detect any sensations. Goenka would constantly talk about detecting subtler and subtler sensations, but for me the part of my body either itched or it didn't. Of course I could feel hot and cold and I could feel my clothes against my skin but that wasn't what I was looking for. On day nine we were instructed to start scanning through our body, not exactly each internal organ but just a general feeling. I was still trying to feel anything but itches on my skin at this point and wondered why I was so far behind. As far as I knew everyone in the building was trying not to crave the orgasm their gall bladder was having and I'm still sitting there trying not to scratch my nose. I found out later that everyone else was pretty much in the same boat as me.

Deep frustration set in around day six. I started getting irritated with the instructor and the way he taught. He repeated himself a lot, and I mean a lot. At first it was kind of endearing, but after a while it just got to be too much. At times I would swear that he only said four things the whole time and they just played them in random order. I actually thought of a joke that I was going to tell Aimee when I got back and on the last day one of the other students said the exact same joke to me! The joke isn't going to be funny to you, but it was basically that if Goenka had only said everything once the course would have only been five days long. And holy shit that man could belabor a point. Every night from 7:00-8:15 he could give discourse, what was supposed to be further explanation into what we were doing during that day. He would make his point and say everything he had to say in the first five minutes, after which he would go on to belabor that point for the next hour. He would give an example to illustrate the example he just gave to illustrate the point that needed no example to begin with. It got to the point where I could predict what he was going to say before he even said it. By day eight I just put my head down and sang to myself until he was done.

There's a lot more to tell but I'm sick of typing and besides, I'm sure you stopped reading four or five paragraphs ago. Overall this was a very positive experience, if a little more than I was looking for. His goal for us was to end our suffering and put us on the path towards liberation. All I was really just looking for some mindfulness practice and some quiet space to sort out stuff in my head. But he even said (many, many, many times) that we can take from it what we want and leave the rest and that's what I intend to do. When I do mindfulness meditation I will be using the Vipassana technique, but at this point it's not going to become a huge part of my life.

I'm still sorting out my experiences and processing the things I learned. I know that my ideas about all of this will change more than a few times before I'm done. Rereading what I've written, everything is frustratingly over-simplified. That's all the energy I have right now though, so I'll go back and fill in the blanks later.

If nothing else I spent ten days in my pajama pants and not reading, writing, or speaking. It was the most acute break from my normal life in, well, probably ever.

Foiled Again

2010-03-15T14:26:00.000-07:00

I got up for work this morning, same as usual. I hadn't been to work since the Tuesday of two weeks back and I was feeling refreshed and ready to get back to it. I had no communication with work the whole time I was gone, and while there were no emergency messages in my email when I got back I still didn't know what to expect as I walked in the door. Turns out I really, really didn't know what to expect:

A few of the student workers, spearheaded by one in particular, thought it good sport to cover everything (and I mean everything) on and around my desk in aluminum foil.

400 square feet of aluminum foil.

They got the monitors, the keyboard and the mouse:

They got the phone, my CD binder, some miscellanea and spare parts, and even my post-it notes:

Not only that, they foiled the pen and the cap separately:

Of course they foiled the stuff on my corkboard, preserving shape and positioning (note the keys as well):

Last but not least, they got the floor and everything on it:

To top it all off, I found out later in the morning that they had set up motion-sensitive web cams to catch my reaction. It wasn't very exciting. I stood there and looked at it for a second and then started laughing.

Such a well executed prank requires neither vengeance nor justice. All I could do is stand back and admire the time and work put into it. The only thing I can possibly be upset about is that I didn't think of it first.

Bravo my friends. Bravo.

And...

2010-03-03T12:04:00.001-08:00

...we're off.

Of course

2010-03-02T09:51:00.000-08:00

I emailed my ride to the Vipassana retreat yesterday afternoon to find out what the plan was. Turns out the plan is that she isn't going anymore. Glad she let me in on that one good and early since the thing starts tomorrow. If I hadn't emailed her she probably wouldn't have thought to tell me at all. Anyway. I emailed the two other people who offered me rides but haven't heard back yet. Thankfully (thankfully, thankfully, thankfully) my awesome friend Odawni said I could use her car if nothing else pans out. It's a huge favor that can really only be paid back one way: with money.

I don't really have any trepidation heading in to this. I have my concerns, but they're all regarding what's going to happen back here while I'm gone. However, even the worst scenarios can wait until I get back. This will be the first time, probably in my whole life, that I've completely unplugged. I imagine the first couple days will be a little weird but after that I'll be able to just take it in stride. We'll find out.

My (latest) act of cowardice

2010-02-24T17:47:00.001-08:00

I am a coward and a failure.

I saw pretty much the cutest girl ever at the grocery store after work today. I couldn't be sure, but it seemed like she kept finding reasons to walk past me. I'm never sure about that stuff and usually (read: always) err on the side of coincidence. She did make eye contact a few times, but of course I just figured she was wondering who the weirdo checking her out was. There were probably three or four opportunities to talk to her, all of which I passed up. While I was checking out she got in line at the checkstand adjacent to mine. She even looked back once.

Obsessing about it on the walk home I assuaged my feelings of failure by convincing myself that she was most certainly a conservative christian who smokes two packs a day. In addition she was happily married (just not wearing her ring (not that I checked)) and not into white guys. Even though I didn't see one, she without a doubt had an iPhone in every pocket of her jacket as well. Whew! That's a lot of dodged bullets!

I did promise myself that if I ever saw her there again I would talk to her. Life is short after all. That does however guarantee that she was just picking up a few essentials at the grocery store before she moves to Russia tomorrow morning.

I learned lessons from this, so it was not (totally) in vain.

Dealbreakers...

2010-02-23T13:11:00.001-08:00

...I've got a few.

I've come to the unfortunate conclusion that iPhones are from this point hence classified as a dealbreaker in the dating realm. I say unfortunate because this pretty much eliminates everyone else in Seattle not covered by my other primary dealbreaker, smoking. Actually, this most likely eliminates every human being on earth save for a few still waiting to be rescued in Haiti. I'm sorry, I just honestly think it's unnecessary to update your Facebook status three times during our date. No, I don't want to see it. Thanks though.

Furthermore, if one more person bumps into me on the street because they were surfing the web on their iPhone instead of watching where they were going I'm going to have to start punching throats. There's no app for that motherfuckers.

Confirmed

2010-02-08T12:16:00.000-08:00

I've confirmed both my reservation and travel plans for the Vipassana retreat in March.

Here we go.

We the jury...

2010-02-02T10:57:00.000-08:00

...find the defendant guilty.

I had jury duty last week and just finished up yesterday. It was a relatively cut and dry DUI case. Suffice it to say, significant time was spent by both the prosecution and the defense on the question of whether or not the defendant pissed himself that fateful night. The defendant failed every single roadside test and couldn't even finish the ABCs. The defense claimed it was because of physical injuries and 'quirks' related to him being an artist/musician. The guy was a weirdo so it sort of seemed possible, although they had a different excuse for each test failed. Anyway, we deliberated for a few hours trying to figure out if he was a drunk, a weirdo, or both. In the end we came back guilty.

There were a couple things that seemed odd, well, odder than everything else. The first was that this case was from June of 2007. Why it had lasted this long was beyond any of us. The other was that we didn't hear the word 'breathalyzer' at all during the trial. Not once. Afterward we met with the prosecutor and he told us that a couple years ago there was a big issue with mis-calibrated breathalyzers and that all the associated cases had gotten thrown out. Ours was one of the first re-trials without the breathalyzer evidence. He said the defendant had refused to do a breathalyzer that night, but he wasn't allowed to say that in court. The defendant also had another trial scheduled a few months prior but showed up drunk so it was rescheduled. To top it all off he has pending DUI cases in other counties. If I was at all unsure about our verdict before, hearing all of that assured me that we made the right choice.

Overall the experience seemed to go pretty quick. I was in the first group picked for a trial that started right away so I didn't spend a whole lot of time sitting around. Even though it lasted a day longer than I thought it needed to, three days still isn't too bad.

Civic duty: Check.

Things...

2010-01-12T14:50:00.001-08:00

...are good. More later.

Relapse

2009-12-28T08:45:00.000-08:00

A strange and unexpected train of thought as I got ready for bed last night brought back that feeling of fear I had after getting back from Germany last fall. Retracing my thoughts I'm not even sure what triggered it. One minute I was fine, the next I sat panicked and trembling on my couch. I got up and paced, quickly trying to take my thoughts away in a different direction. I tried to distract myself, first with music and then with TV to no avail. Distractions weren't going to work. I was going to have to deal with it. Super.

I sat on my bed and tried to think about it rationally. I acknowledged what I was feeling and why it affected me. I thought through my previous experience and cataloged the ways that I had dealt with it then. I tried to convince myself that I wasn't going to let it get me like it did last time, that things were different now. I could make myself feel better for a little bit but it wouldn't last long. Next I tried to reason with myself. After all, I'd been just fine for over a year hadn't I? I've even watched holocaust documentaries since then and it didn't trigger anything. Failing that, I finally told myself that if nothing else it was okay to feel the fear again. I had overcome it before and I could do so again if necessary. It took me almost two hours but I was finally able to talk myself down.

I don't know if the panic I felt was related to last fall as much as I was simply afraid of being that afraid again. That was a pretty rough period, and while I do still think I'm better off for having gone through the whole thing I'm obviously not eager for it to return. But I'm okay with it. It's always going to be a part of me and last night showed me that I can deal with it when it happens.

The more you know

2009-12-06T16:08:00.000-08:00

You have it in your head that going for a run in shorts while it is 38 degrees and raining outside proves to yourself and to the world that you're tough. You may be surprised to learn that the world pretty much thinks you're an idiot, so spare us the macho attitude.

The more you know.

Immediacy

2009-11-17T09:07:00.000-08:00

A couple weeks ago we had a bit of a wind storm that wrecked the place up a bit. I didn't notice it too much out where I am, but I guess some parts of the city got it worse than others. Last week I was told that a coworker of mine, a pretty 27-year-old woman who got married a year or so ago, was "out indefinitely". That's never good. I found out yesterday morning that while she was out walking her dog with her husband a large tree branch broke off and fell on him, killing him instantly. Couple that with the news I got this morning of a dear friend's sister being diagnosed with breast cancer and it adds up to a fucking serious wake up call:

Once again, I need to stop wasting time.

Reserved

2009-11-09T08:49:00.001-08:00

I've been trying to kick a cold for the past few days so on Friday I went out to get some pho, the solution to all things congested. I grabbed a table for one and ordered my usual: chicken pho with no cilantro and extra noodles. While I was waiting for my food a woman pointed at the empty chair across from me and asked if I was expecting a second. I said I wasn't and she asked if I minded if she sat with me. I said of course not. As we ate we chatted about the usual who's, what's and where's. When she was done we said our farewells and she was on her way. She didn't flirt with me at all (as far as I could tell) and didn't even mention anything about hanging out again. She was just looking for some company and some conversation. I don't know many people that would be brave enough to do something like that. I sure as hell aren't.

Anyway, I thought it was rad. It's nice to know that people can still surprise me in the good way.

I Never

2009-10-28T12:37:00.000-07:00

I had my dear friend Tricia over for some food and wine this past Friday night. I made salmon and she brought over a chocolate birthday cake made from her great-grandma's secret recipe (although I'm not entirely sure if double-chocolate stout beer was her great-grandma's secret ingredient). It was good. Really good. I beseeched her to take the leftovers home with her, but she steadfastly refused. I gave away as much as I could over the next couple days, but I definitely ate a little more than my share.

Anyway, about halfway through the bottle of wine we started talking about all of the things we had at one point in our lives said we would never do that we have subsequently done. My list was ridiculous, as I used to define my very existence by what I didn’t do. I’m not going to give the entire list here since I’m never sure who’s reading, but chances are if I’ve done it in the past 10 years I probably said I was never ever going to do it. Ever. A prime example of this would be the consumption of alcohol. I declared myself Straight Edge when I was 16, swearing to whatever gods may be that I would never ever ever ever allow that poison into my body. Even when I gave up the Straight Edge label at 21 I still adhered to the general lifestyle. I was almost 24 before I drank enough alcohol to become intoxicated. Oddly enough, it didn’t feel like some huge coming out party. The whole thing felt pretty natural. I was just moving on to the next stage of my life.

One of the only things on my list that I still hadn’t done was smoke a cigarette. In my entire life I had only ever had two drags off of a cigarette, and they were separated by nearly 10 years. I grew up with a mother who smoked and the habit had always repulsed me. I don’t remember my two drags being particularly delicious or satisfying, or enjoyable for that matter. So I’d operated under the assumption that most people smoked to be cool, or at least that’s how they got their start. I’ve always just found it kind of stupid and gross and have a hard time hanging around people who smoke too much. Last fall I was hanging out with a super rad girl who smoked like you wouldn’t believe. She was cool in pretty much every way, except that kissing her really (really) grossed me out. I found myself doing everything I could to avoid it. Suffice it to say, it didn’t last too much longer. These days, if I get to know a girl and then find out she smokes I can usually deal with it. But if I know she smokes beforehand, it’s pretty much a deal breaker.

At this point in the night we had finished the wine and had moved on to bourbon. We cleaned up a bit and went down to the Redwood for birthday party number one (of two) for the night. We met up with Shawn and another round (or two) of bourbons followed. One final round of bourbon and it was time to make our way downtown to Shorty’s for birthday party number two. At this point I probably would have had a hard time walking home, much less the 1.5 miles to Shorty’s. We step outside and Shawn announces that he wants a cigarette, so he goes to the market next door and buys a pack. Tricia says she wants one too. I “think” about it for a second (as much thought as can occur with so much whiskey) and decide, fuck it, I’m having fun and life is all about new experiences. I’m in. Shawn bought a pack of Camel Crushes, which I can only imagine are the cigarette equivalent of a wine cooler. There is a small bead near the filter that, when crushed, makes the cigarette a menthol. I stop off at City Market to grab a pack of matches and we’re in business.

I smoked one on the walk downtown. My senses dulled, it didn’t even really register with me. I could sort of feel the smoke in my lungs and taste the menthol. A little later in the night, after a little more whiskey, I had one more. Thankfully Shawn had bought the birthday girl a disposable camera for her birthday. Even more thankfully she was able to take some pictures, get them developed, scan them, and post them on Facebook within 48 hours.

I can’t say that I’m never going to do it again, but I can say it’s something that I’m probably not going to do often. Either way, it’s one more line item crossed off of my Never-To-Do List.

Making mom proud:

Random tidbits and a recommendation

2009-10-23T10:07:00.000-07:00

When Tina and I went down to the Paramount this past Friday for the Sunny Day show, we arrived to find that our tickets were not in the will-call stack. Of course this was the one time I didn't print out my receipt and bring it along with me. We got there late and the band had already started playing. They brought down a supervisor and I told him my story. He just nodded his head and walked away. Two minutes later he came back with two tickets. He didn't have to do that, but he did and it made my night. It was one of the best shows I've ever seen. I sent the Paramount a little note this morning letting them know.

Monday night Amiee and I headed over to the Crocodile to see A Place To Bury Strangers. I'd been listening to their first album pretty regularly for the better part of a year and their second album, which came out this year, was great. I've been describing them as a mix between Joy Division and The Jesus & Mary Chain (whom they actually opened up for at one point). Live they didn't disappoint. Even through the fuzz and distortion you could still hear the amazing bass lines and the drummer was awesome. We ended up having to leave before the set was over, but I would highly recommend that you go see them if they come to your town.

I walked all the way down to the Venus/Mars Bar for the Akimbo show last night only to realize that I had left my ID in my kung fu bag. Go me. At least it was a nice night for a walk.

I started running this week after taking a two month break to give my hip some rest. It feels about as good as it can feel I guess. I really hate running, but I can't argue the results. My leg muscles are crazy sore, which annoys me because it's not like I haven't been working out at all. I suppose I should take that to mean it's working.

After a carefully planned experiment in a controlled environment, it is my recommendation that you not get stoned and watch a documentary on the 1969 sexual revolution. Holy shit. You're welcome.

Thirty-Three

2009-10-14T09:42:00.000-07:00

Thus far every year of my 30s has been progressively better than the one before, but this past year is going to be tough to top. It was a fucking good year.

It started out with three weeks in Berlin, one of the raddest trips I'd ever taken and my first time abroad. While my birthday itself was rather uneventful (if you call partying with friends in Berlin uneventful), a week later I would take a trip to Poland that would turn my whole world upside down, at least for a while. In a few short weeks I would be floored by Auschwitz, my dad would have a stroke, and I would have my own health issues to worry about. Like I've said before, each one would have been enough to deal with on its own. It robbed me of sleep, dissolved the relationship I was in, and showed me how unprepared I was for 'real' life.

In retrospect I'm actually kind of glad that I went through all of that. Maybe glad isn't the right word. Obviously I'm not glad my dad had a stroke. I do feel that I'm better off for it all though. Going through the whole experience forced me to (finally) grow up and re-prioritize my life (at long last). Several of my friends have told me that I've been different since going through it, and I'm pretty sure most of them meant it in a good way. I feel a lot more confident and aware. However, I think the most important thing I learned through the whole ordeal is how to ask for help. I know I'm far from alone in this, but up until last fall it was a skill I was entirely unfamiliar with. Asking for help was always a sign of weakness. I didn't need help, after all I was the one who always helped others and I could handle myself just fine. I'm sure it had absolutely nothing to do with learned gender roles and socialization. At any rate, I learned that not only is it okay to ask for help, but I have a lot of amazing friends who really would do anything for me. With their help I got through the tough times and returned to that sense of normalcy that I was so desperately looking for. I still think about all of that stuff often but it doesn't affect me the way it did. I'm not going to even remotely flatter myself by saying that I 'beat' it because it doesn't work like that. I'm not saying that it doesn't affect me anymore, I've simply(?) found the perspective I needed to deal with it.

There are a million other reasons why this year was amazing. I did some traveling and spent some time at home. I met some new people and got to know some old friends better. I spent time with people and became more comfortable spending time alone. It's not that the parts were insignificant, right now I'm just more about focusing on the whole.

So what of the next year? There are still a lot of unchecked boxes on last year's (admittedly long) to-do list. I'm going to scale things back a little this year. I'm going to try simplify, to do more of less. I don't just want to check something off of my list and move on. I want to do things that will become part of my life, part of who I am. Some are significant, others not so much.

I'm definitely going to travel more this year. I have a few trips abroad planned, but I also have friends scattered across the US that I'd like to get out and see. I want to (finally) get my car fixed so I can start taking weekend roadtrips again. It's amazing how much of a difference being just 20 miles outside of the city can make. This has all been in the planning stages for way too long. Like I did with my Berlin trip last year, I'm just going to do it.

I'd also like to become more involved in the city as well. I want to find organizations to become a part of and explore some new volunteer opportunities. I want to be a part of making things happen around here instead of solely being a participant. I looked into volunteering at a few places last year that didn't pan out. I'm over my disappointment though and I know there are plenty of orgs out there that need help. I suppose a better way of saying it is that I want to become more of an active member in my community.

I feel the need to spend some time getting back to my roots, to the things that have helped make me who I am. I've grown and changed a lot as the years have passed, but there have always been major forces in my life that have guided me along my path. A good example would be punk rock. I'm not saying that I want to go out and be punk, but I want to remember why it has had (and still has) such a huge influence on my life. My place in it has changed, but I still want to have a place in it.

There are smaller things I want to do this year as well. I want to get around to getting more tattoo work done. At this point I have a bunch of ideas drawn up that I just need to get done. It's not important in the slightest, but I've been meaning to do it for a while. I'm hoping to get a little better handle on the whole dating thing this year as well. As it stands right now I'm hung up on the girl who isn't interested in me at all, unsure about the girl who is interested in me a little too much, and just for good measure started hanging out with a girl I've had a crush on since 1998. Yeah, this actually counts as a 'problem' in my life these days. I'll shut up now.

The last year is going to be tough to top, but I think I can pull it off.

Soon Enough

2009-10-12T11:33:00.000-07:00

I had resolved to get myself a donut on Sunday morning and as there aren't any super high quality places near me I made my way over to the Safeway after getting some coffee. As I sat there pondering my selection a nice lady, who looked to be about 200 years old, came up to me and said, "I'd love one of those, but I can't have one". I said I most certainly shouldn't have one but was going to anyway, to which she replied, "well, I'm hypoglycemic. If I have one of those I'll die, and I'll be dead soon enough as it is."

I wasn't exactly sure what to say to that. Without skipping a beat she started telling me how the manager at her home was a deadbeat and a crook who never vacuumed and stole things from the residents. She had already called the cops on her and said the residents were getting together to report her to the state. I mostly listened and nodded, offering what superficial encouragement I could. The whole thing was sort of sad and tragic. She obviously just wanted someone to talk to, or more accurately, someone to listen to her. I did what I could for my part, but I'd be lying if I said that I wasn't trying to get the hell out of there.

I know that it's not "my job" to sit there and listen to people, but that's not a reason to ignore them either. This is problematic for me however because I have a bad habit of taking on other's problems as my own, even those I don't really know. I'm constantly feeling responsible for and trying to fix everybody else's problems and as it stands I can barely fix my own. I've gotten a lot better with it in recent years, but it is still a source of stress for me. What worried me was that this lady was asking me for help. It didn't seem urgent or to require immediate action and I really didn't want to get pulled into it so early on a Sunday morning. I know that makes me a selfish asshole, but I have enough stuff on my plate as it is.

But whatever, I could come up with a million excuses. It's all I ever do.

Epic

2009-10-05T10:07:00.000-07:00

The Unbroken show on Saturday night was fucking epic. Fucking. Epic.

I had more or less decided I was too tired to go, but Jayme talked me into it at the last minute by suggesting a round of pumpkin beers (and questioning my sexuality) before heading down. The show actually started at 6:30, which is crazy early but there were seven bands on the bill. That's an awful lot, even for a hardcore show, but both Unbroken and Undertow were doing one-time reunions and it was kind of a big deal. Most of the other bands were relatively generic hardcore so we figured we'd make our way down around 7:30 or so.

I hadn't been to El Corazon in I don't know how long and I can't remember the last hardcore show I went to. It was definitely way before I moved out west. Walking into El Corazon that night was like walking back into 1997. Hoodies, running shows, neck tattoos, Gorilla Biscuits shirts, the whole nine. There were even a bunch of kids running around with X'd up hands. I didn't know there were any straightedge kids in Seattle, but then again I hadn't exactly been looking for them. At any rate, not much had changed on the fashion/aesthetic side of hardcore in the past 15 years. I was however pretty stoked to see a bunch of dudes with similar hairstyles as mine. I'm so hardcore. The place had testosterone dripping from the ceiling but there was a definite positive vibe going around. Everyone seemed to be in a super good mood, which helped take the edge off (no pun intended) of the normally retarded and violent hardcore scene. The show was all ages but the majority of the people there seemed to be around my age or older. One of the girls selling merch was wearing a shirt printed with the logo for the band BOLD (a seminal 80's hardcore band) but the B had been truncated so it just said OLD. I thought it was brilliant.

The band that was playing when we showed up didn't do anything for us so we went back to grab some beers. I met a guy from Portland who was wearing an Eleven Thirty-Four shirt, a band I hadn't even thought about in ten years. He said they did a reunion show not too long ago down in San Diego (where he's from). Anyway. We went out to catch The Helm, a local Seattle hardcore group. Jayme is way into them but I have to say I was a little underwhelmed. They weren't bad for what they were, there was just absolutely nothing to distinguish them from every other hardcore band in existence. It was during their set that I noticed the pit is still essentially a big dick contest, which was far from surprising but still a little disheartening. It was also during their set that I first heard the rumor that Converge was going to play a surprise set at the show. Converge is definitely part of the second wave of hard core (mid-90's), but they are about as big as hardcore bands get these days. Earlier that night they had played a set at WaMu theater opening up for Mastodon and High On Fire. One generic band later and it was confirmed: Converge were setting up. The place pretty much went nuts. Unbroken played next, and despite not listening to them at all since 1998 I knew a lot more of their songs than I thought I would. It was at this point that things started getting dumb in the pit and security had to "escort" at least one person out per song. The guys always tried to fight back, but the El Corazon security dudes are huge. I don't think I saw one below 6'5". Anyway, Undertow played last, and even though their set was great I ended up leaving about 2/3 of the way through. By then it was well after 1AM and I had been standing for about 6.5 hours. I was done.

The walk home was meditative as I let all of the feelings and memories that came up just flow through. The show reminded me a lot of where I came from and showed how much of a part of me it still is. I don't think I stopped smiling all night, which admittedly isn't very hardcore. But I'm old enough now to realize there are far worse things.

A good night.

Bad Habit To Be Changed/Eliminated #2892

2009-10-02T09:23:00.000-07:00

Standing in front of the mirror before a date and pointing out everything about myself that they will find humorous/pathetic about me. Telling myself (out loud) that I'm a loser and a fraud and I got this date via luck and/or deception and they will undoubtedly see right through me. Coming up with practical and logistical reasons she might want to hang out with me (free food, drink, computer help, etc.) because she has to have some justification for slumming it with me for a night. Pointing out that she can do so much better than me and it almost makes me suspicious as to why she chooses not to.

Yes. Really.

The thing is, I'm having a harder and harder time convincing myself that it's true.

It turns out...

2009-09-22T10:47:00.000-07:00

...that writing about a trip to Wisconsin is even more boring than the trip itself.

Alright, that's not entirely fair. My trip back wasn't that boring. Considering that there's not a whole lot to do in or around Saukville I hardly had any downtime. I'll spare you the tedium of a play-by-play and give a run down of the highlights (relative term).

Went to Saukville Family Fun day with the Family. Had fun.
Met up with Dawn at a coffee house down on the waterfront. Ran into a friend from college there that I hadn't seen in seven years. Random = yes. Went down to the waterfront where the International Kite Festival was happening. That's right. International. It was pretty cool. On the way home I saw a toilet for sale at a yard sale.
Went to a car show with my dad where he showed his 1964 Pontiac Grand Prix. It's the car both me and my sister came home from the hospital in. It was a really sunny day and I couldn't look anywhere without being blinded by the sunlight reflected off of chrome.
Beatles Rock Band. Lots of Beatles Rock Band.
Drove around town checking out my old schools and hangouts. The schools are still there. The hangouts aren't.
Swing dancing in Milwaukee for the first time in ten years. Exactly the same as it was ten years ago, for good and for ill.
Visited Edgewood. A lot has changed.
Hung out with old friends/coworkers at the Great Dane where I lost track of how many beers I drank much earlier than usual. Some gin and tonic a little later inevitably led to more Guitar Hero.
Checked out the space where my brother-in-law is going to open up his restaurant. Found five counterfeit $100 bills and a bitchin pair of shades.
Met up with my two oldest friends at a townie bar in Port Washington. Drank beer and talked about a lot of stuff I hadn't thought about in a long, long time.

All the time in between was mostly spent either hanging out with my parents and sister or driving around. I probably could have done the whole trip in four or five days, but I don't get back very often so I guess it was okay. Before my dad had his stroke I'd barely make it back once a year for the holidays. I got to see a lot of people I hadn't seen in a very long time, some expected some I'd never imagined. I definitely won't be going back for as long over the holidays, but my list of people to see and places to go is definitely longer because of this trip.

Almost forgot..

2009-09-14T13:01:00.000-07:00

..about a great conversation I had at a party a couple weeks ago:

Girl: Hi, I'm So-And-So.
Me: Hi, I'm Jake.
Girl: So Jake, do you have a girlfriend?
Me: No
Girl: Are you gay?
Me: No
Girl: Do you want to make out?
Me: Maybe later.

Well, it was good up until that last part.

Hm.

2009-09-02T14:50:00.000-07:00

I went out for a beer with a new-ish friend last night. It had been a little while since we'd hung out so we were playing the usual game of catch up. She asked what I'd been up to so I told her I did this with that friend and that with another friend. When I finished my rundown she said, "so, are all of your friends girls?"

"What?"

"Well, it just seems that whenever you talk about your 'friends', it's a girl"

I had to think about that one for a second. Numerically my friends are mostly guys and as far as percentage of my time goes it seems about even. I see a lot of people sporadically, but for the past few months there are only four people that I've seen with any regularity. Two of them are guys and two of them are girls. The only thing I could think of on the spot is that I only do interesting things with my female friends. Things worth mentioning. When I hang out with the guys it's usually just us at some bar or some show. Doesn't make a great story. I suppose I do put a little more effort into coming up with something to do with my female friends, but that's because I don't want them to be bored. That's not to say they're high maintenance, it's just that the guys are really, really low maintenance. I'm going to get into trouble no matter how I say that. Anyway.

Thinking about it now, it really breaks down to the fact that it's just plain easier to get my female friends to hang out than the guys. I try to get my guy friends to hang out, but they're all busy hanging out with some girl...

Kiss The Sun

2009-09-01T11:11:00.000-07:00

I was just about to give up trying to find any even remotely spicy Thai food in this city when Shawn let me in on the secret. He said that when they ask you how spicy you want it you should tell them you want to 'kiss the sun', which as you can imagine means good and spicy. Since four and five star Thai food barely makes my tongue warm I may have to give this a try. Tonight.

A Sea of Higher Numbers

2009-08-30T20:03:00.000-07:00

I had a ticket for the Harvey Danger show at Vera on Friday night, but my tumultuous Thursday night/Friday morning left me a little (lot) exhausted and without the necessary patience to attend an all ages show. I decided to skip it and instead met some people for some pinball and drinks down at Shorty's. We got some food up on the hill afterward but it had been a long week for everyone so we called it an early night. I woke up (relatively) early on Saturday morning and met Amiee down at Bang Bang for some coffee and breakfast. I bummed around the city with her for a while and when she had to take off I bummed around some more with Shawn. We ended up back at Bang Bang where we met up with our friend Rob. Rob, as it turns out, used to live with Aaron Huffman (the bassist of Harvey Danger) and was on the list for the show. He said I could be his plus one if I wanted. I wanted.

I hadn't been to the Crocodile since it reopened. I'd heard good things, but up until last night they really hadn't booked anything I'd even remotely wanted to see. A lot of time has passed and I don't really remember how the old one was laid out, but the new one is really nice. The stage is a lot bigger and there's no longer a post right in the middle of it. There's now a balcony with a bar along the eastern wall that has a great view of the stage. There's even a Via Tribunali built right in so you can eat good pizza and listen to rock and roll.

I got there just as Harvey Danger was starting their first song. It was a sold out show so obviously pretty crowded but there was still room enough to move around. I started out pretty close to the stage before moving up to the balcony. They played a lot of the songs I wanted to hear right off the bat like Old Hat, Private Helicopter, Woolly Muffler, and of course Flagpole Sitta. When they finished that last one they stopped the show and took a moment as a band to revel in the fact that they never ever have to play that song again. When their 'official' set was over they asked the audience to raise their hands if they had a request. The audience member had to ask them an interesting question and if the band thought it was interesting enough they would play the request, otherwise they would call on someone else. It was a funnier idea than reality but the audience requested a bunch of songs they probably wouldn't have otherwise played. They wrapped up the show around 1:30 only having not played one song that I was hoping to hear. I've seen a lot of band's last shows and this one was pretty good. They get a lot of crap because of Flagpole Sitta but they really wrote some great songs. Oh, and Sean Nelson's voice is pure sex. I know it was a deal breaker for a lot of people but I couldn't get enough of it.

The walk home was a nice one, albeit a little unexpectedly rough. I bought a bunch of drinks for people over the course of the night and they all repaid the favor right at the very end. I didn't have anywhere to be on Sunday at all though, so I took a winding route at a leisurely pace. It was bar time and the hill was pretty chaotic, but despite the usual lame fights and disturbing middle-of-the-street makeouts I made it home no worse for wear. A really, really good day from start to finish.

A Little Better

2009-08-27T10:41:00.000-07:00

One of my projects for the summer was to expand my circle of friends and get to know some new people. However, nights like last night remind me that there's just as much value in spending some time getting to know an old friend a little better.

The Breeders

2009-08-26T14:46:00.000-07:00

The past week/end saw two dear friends of mine who had moved away in the past year back in town. My life in Seattle is significantly less fun without them here and they're both sights for sore eyes. Some of the highlights include:

• Hitting up the Vera fundraiser dinner in West Seattle with Aimee. The food was amazing, the company was great and the location (an old high school?) was pretty cool. I got to meet a bunch of new people and catch up with my old friend.

• The whiskey and hot fudge sundae party in Cal Anderson park. I picked up some damn good bourbon and some mixers and prepared to spend the day lounging in the park eating ice cream. It was a perfect, and I mean perfect, day for it. The crowd was a good mix of friends and strangers, the whiskey helping to blend everything seamlessly.

• Tina's birthday dinner at the Capitol Club. A group of us met out there for some drinks and some tapas. The conversation flowed and the jokes rolled. Afterward we hit Bollywood night at the Baltic Room for the first time in a very long time. There were still a bunch of people there that we recognized from way back and they did a great job of making us feel welcome. We danced for the rest of the night, pretty much until they kicked us out. On the walk home we passed two glamorous gay boys walking the other direction. As we passed one of them looked at us and said, "the breeders are looking cute tonight". We laughed and wished them well, but a few blocks later I stopped dead in my tracks. I stood there and smiled, basking in the realization that they thought I looked heterosexual. It's the small victories that count.

Of course there was much more that happened over the week and weekend but I lack the patience to lay it all out. The weekend especially was almost perfect. I can't think of any way it could have been better, and I'm not going to try.

...and Eight.

2009-08-20T09:16:00.000-07:00

Made a last minute decision to go swing night at the Century Ballroom last night and I'm glad I did. On the walk down there I set the modest goal of asking at least three (3) people I didn't know to dance, which I figured shouldn't be too difficult since I can count the swing dancers I actually do know on one hand these days. I arrived shortly after the lesson ended, which is known in the swing dance community as "one hour too early". Even though I've only been out dancing maybe three or four times in the past couple years, the door guy knows me for some reason. Of course he promptly busted my chops for going twice in the same month.

I reached my goal of three new dances right off the bat so I hung back and watched for a while. I only recognized one or two of the 'regulars' but it was interesting to watch them dance. I did see one of them do a mini-dip in all seriousness, but otherwise it was fun to see the different styles. A big group of people came up from Portland to check out the scene. One of them asked me to dance and afterward introduced me around. They were a good group and I spent the majority of the night dancing with them. I called the night relatively early, but it was about 100 degrees in the ballroom and I had been dancing pretty much nonstop all night. I took a nice slow walk home to wind down and promptly crashed. A good night.

Proud Sponsor

2009-08-14T14:45:00.000-07:00

I was in the break room at work washing out my coffee mug this morning. Strewn about the sink were various promotional items left by drug reps, etc. There was an especially tacky mug off to the far right, emblazoned with a giant Viagra logo. On the back it said, "Proud Sponsor of Major League Baseball". Um. Ok. Why the fucking christ does Major League Baseball need sponsors? I'm pretty sure even the lowest paid players aren't quite living paycheck to paycheck.

And then at the gym today one of the TVs was tuned to ESPN. There was a big press conference on announcing that Michael Vick, I think the dude that got busted for betting on dog fights, had singed with a football team for $1.7 million. The one year contract had the option to renew for a second year at $5.2 million. There were however some legal stipulations due to his recent troubles with the law. In order to be able to play he has to abide by a few court-ordered rules including, and I shit you not, not committing any crimes. Good thing they wrote that one out. $1.7 million for one year of football. When you think about it, that's pretty good for not providing any useful service to the human race whatsoever.

Nothing brings out my inner socialist like professional sports. Nothing.

Legends

2009-08-13T09:15:00.000-07:00

I went out dancing last night for the first time in a couple months (as always). I forgot that it was the Legends of Lindy Hop weekend or something and was surprised to show up and find the Century had a live band. I almost balked at the higher cover but the people I was meeting were already inside and the band sounded super good. I really can't remember the last time I danced to a live band. It definitely hasn't been since I've lived in Seattle, so at least seven or eight years. As per usual I danced my first dance with Melanie, who has a way of finding me the instant I arrive. Dancing with her is a great way to start a night. She's good, she's fun, and she always gives me really sincere compliments when we're finished. That little boost in confidence helps quell the apprehension I have over being out of practice and makes every other dance during the night that much more relaxed and fun. The people I met up with were more or less beginners but weren't afraid to get out there and try. I gave them a few tips here and there when they asked but we mostly just didn't care and had fun. My friend Byron, whom I hadn't seen in about a year, came over and hung out with us for a while. He was always one of my favorite people in the scene. He's one of the few 'regulars' who really makes an effort to ask beginners to dance. Every dance scene needs more people like him.

The night went fast and it was midnight before I knew it. I've got a bad case of sleepys today but it was most certainly worth it. Like I say every time I go out dancing: I need to do that a little more often.

Bang Bang

2009-08-11T11:08:00.000-07:00

My shoulder made what can only be described as a miraculous recovery. I went to the doctor on Thursday where she told me what I had already figured. Basically I had to just give it some rest and let it get better on its own. She told me to take a little more ibuprofen and wrote me a Rx for some Vicodin to at least make me comfortable enough to sleep, but I never ended up taking any of it. At Tina's behest I swung by the natural food/medicine store on 15th on the way home and picked up some arnica. I'm not even entirely sure what it is, but it's used to treat muscle and joint trauma and soreness and she swears by it. That night I had to sleep in the shirt I wore to work because trying to get it off was just too painful. The next morning I was able to finagle it off, but it took like 20 minutes. That day I upped my ibuprofen and started taking the arnica. It felt a lot better all day. I didn't take nearly as much ibuprofen as my doctor said I could. I slept alright on Friday night and when I woke up on Saturday I had a lot more mobility in my shoulder, even without ibuprofen. The past couple days it's been getting better and better. It's only been been about five days since I could barely move it at I'm almost up to full mobility. There are a couple movements that are still stiff, but by and large the pain is gone. I'm still going to take it easy for another week at least. I'd rather not have to go through that again. I'm not a huge believer in homeopathic anything, but the arnica is the only thing I did differently. For the time being at least the evidence points to it actually working. But whatever. You can't argue with with results.

This past weekend was a weird one. The only three people who ever actually call me were all out of town. I had some stuff planned but it mostly all fell through, although that's not really that weird. I made a half-assed attempt to find something to do on Saturday night and not hearing much back decided, no, resigned myself to spending the night in. Nights in are funny. I spend all of my time thinking of things to do if I could only find some spare time. Spare time presents itself and I can't come up with one fucking thing I feel like doing. In my defense though, my shoulder wasn't really feeling well enough to do the first few things on my list. That of course just made me feel that much more restless. Spending the night at home on a Monday is one thing, but doing it on a Saturday night makes me anxious. I don't even really know where my home on Saturday night = loser hang up comes from, but it's tough to shake. I ended up making some food and going through some new music that I'd been meaning to listen to for a long time. I played some video games and did some reading. It really would have been a fantastic Monday night. I guess it wasn't really that bad of a Saturday either.

I spent some time on Sat and Sun helping Yuki and Miki with their new cafe downtown. I set up their wireless network and tried to get the front end point-of-sale system working. It was a lost cause though, so they ended up buying a cash register. The place is going to be rad. It's huge and the location is great. If we get coffee anytime after Thursday, it will probably be there.

Lefty

2009-08-05T09:06:00.000-07:00

I don't know what I did to my shoulder, but I did it good because I can barely move my right arm. There is no range of motion that doesn't cause excruciating pain and there's no resting position that doesn't ache. You can imagine how much fun "sleeping" was last night. Trying to get my shirt on this morning was the most painful thing I can remember in recent history. I can't even get food up to my mouth with my right hand, which I suppose could only help. I had to shave and brush my teeth lefty this morning which was certainly an adventure. I know there's nothing to do but take it easy until it gets better and stay hopped up on pain killers, but holy shit is it frustrating. Of course this happens right when I'm trying to get a bunch of stuff done. I may need to go to the doctor and get something stronger than Advil.

It's awesome to be me

2009-08-03T16:18:00.001-07:00

Yuki: He was really disappointed to find out you were straight.

Me: Ugh. Yeah, I get that a lot.

Yuki: From the gay boys? What about the girls?

Shawn: They're always disappointed to find out he's straight too.

So yeah.

2009-08-03T14:39:00.000-07:00

I decided last night that my rule for this week is to not go out to eat alone. I can go out if I'm going with a friend, but if I'm alone I have to put together something at home. It's not as much about the money as it is about slowing things up a little and living a little more deliberately. Originally I'd thought about trying to have a different friend over for dinner every day, but that's just not realistic. A good chunk of my regulars are skipping town this week so I'm going to use the opportunity to catch up with some people I don't see as often.

I'm also planning to spend some time refocusing on some of the things I'm trying to work on. My attention has been all over the place the past few weeks and it's (once again) time to figure out where I've been and where I'm going. Where I've been is pretty straightforward. There are a few unanswered questions that make determining where I'm going a bit less clear however. Girls, money, goals, travel, friends, family, a lot of things are up in the air right now. And while I don't need all the answers to come up with some sort of a plan, sitting down and working through some of the more frustrating ones will help a lot.

My shoulder was feeling a lot better, so of course I volunteered to help Shawn move a couch downstairs. It felt fine at the time and actually didn't bother me at all for the rest of the day. I can barely move it today, which is frustrating because I already took last week off from kung fu and now I have to take this week off as well. I was hoping to finish up the repairs to my wooden dummy tonight, but now it doesn't matter because I wouldn't be able to get it back into its base anyway. My own fault, but frustration...

Handsome

2009-07-27T11:43:00.000-07:00

The other week I was walking back to work after going to the gym, and as I came up on the hospital a woman was walking the other direction. As we passed she smiled and said, "hey there handsome". She said it casually and without stopping. She wasn't trying to initiate conversation, which is probably good because it completely threw me and I could barely stammer out a hello before she had passed. It was just a simple compliment, but it made my day.

Like I've mentioned previously, I've been trying to work more complements into my day to day interactions. The tough part is finding ones that are sincere yet relatively benign. I like 'handsome' because it seems to be just that. It's simple and classic. It doesn't necessarily imply attraction and is probably most often used by your mom when your dad wears a tie for the holidays. What I need is the female equivalent of 'handsome' but so far I haven't been able to come up with much. The usuals (beautiful, cutie, hot stuff, sweet cheeks) are all too loaded. Then again, perhaps it's not what you say but how you say it. I suppose a casual but sincere "hey there beautiful" can be delivered and not be seen as creepy or presumptuous.

Ultimately it's all academic since I'm way too chicken to say anything like that anyway. But that one small compliment made me feel like a million bucks all day. All I really want is to be able to pass that on to someone else.

Glow In The Dark Internet Cred

2009-07-22T10:55:00.000-07:00

I subscribe to a news feed from a website called Nerd Approved. It is what you think: a list of nerdy products and ideas. I initially followed a link to a little beauty kit called “Looking Good For Jesus”. Below that there was a link to these funny sign language stickers. They weren’t actually that funny, but when I scrolled down to the “We thought you might like…” section I saw something strange. The link for the Glow In The Dark Tattoos has a skull and crossbones that looked awfully familiar:

In fact, it looked just like one I created out of simple shapes in Adobe Illustrator for my old PunyHumans website about 10 years ago:

It's not copyrighted or anything. Besides, I'm not sure I'd want associated with glow in the dark tattoos anyway. Still, an odd coincidence that brought back some memories.

Unfaithful

2009-07-22T08:32:00.001-07:00

I went to get my hair cut yesterday and my regular girl wasn't there. So for the second time this year I let the other guy cut it. And for the second time he did a much, much better job. My girl has been cutting my hair for almost two years, but I may have to start purposely going on days I know she doesn't work.

Brain Dump

2009-07-19T20:40:00.000-07:00

I've had a bunch of scattered thoughts crisscrossing my mind over the weekend, but none of them are either big enough or well-formed enough to write about on their own. Here's the rundown, mostly so I don't forget:

Shawn suggested that I have a party where everyone shows up in drag and we watch Tootsie. I thought it was the best idea ever. We're also going to have a superhero party, where everyone (obviously) dresses up as a superhero they made up. I may have to tuck away some of my more breakable stuff before that one.

<ambiguity>
A dear friend reminded me once again this weekend that I'm inevitably going to get burned on this one. Of course she's right, but I knew that when I started. A step back to regain some perspective probably couldn't hurt though.
</ambiguity>

I went out to a friend-of-a-friend's housewarming party on Saturday night. The theme was Sangria and tater tots. The place was full but I only knew two or three people, so I got to practice meeting new people. We all got really (really) drunk which made it all the easier. One of the two straight girls there was hanging all over me all night. Somewhere near the end of the night someone tapped me on the shoulder and let me know that she lives with her boyfriend, who wasn't there. Thank you anonymous tipster. After getting home really (really) late, I had a really (really) drunken Facebook chat with a really (really) old friend. I don't even want to know what I said. Really.

I feel like I'm ready to start going on dates again.

I don't know if I have enough money saved up to travel to Europe in September. But there's still a few paychecks between now and then so I'll be alright. I want to have some sort of plan worked out by the end of July.

I'm exercising more than I ever have before and I've been trying to eat as healthy as I'm capable of as well. However, I haven't lost any inches or pounds in a long time and I'm beginning to get discouraged. Seriously, I work out for an hour five days a week and do kung fu for an hour and a half twice a week. What else could I possibly do? Obviously something isn't working. I'd imagine it's probably on the diet side. Time to rework it. Again.

Odawni and I tried to attend a zazen meditation sitting this morning but weren't able to find the place despite Google's best efforts. Instead, we went up to Volunteer Park and stretched out on the grass in the sun for an hour. Without a doubt the best start to a day I've had in a long time.

I got a new Minh-ism this week: Very Friction. I love it.

Again (and again)

2009-07-13T12:06:00.000-07:00

The past few weeks I’ve once again had the old familiar feeling of treading water. The feeling that it takes all of my energy and focus just to maintain the status quo of my regular life. Actually, that’s not true. The problem seems to be that I can’t seem to muster up any energy or focus at all. The more I try to slow down my life and do less the more restless, impatient, and frustrated I get. I already know the problem: I am completely directionless right now. Not only am I not doing anything with my life, I can’t come up with anything “to do” with it. I have no passions or hobbies to speak of. I like my job but try to keep it as small a part of my life as possible. I’d like to…

Fuck this, I’m done.

I’ve said this exact same shit over and over and over for years and I’m sick of it. I’m really fucking sick of it. Every single one of my blog entries is exactly the same. It’s all me whining about shit I want to do or changes I want to make that I never do or make. I’m so frustrated with my inability to do anything with my life, and no level of frustration seems high enough for me to actually fucking do anything about it.

It’s time for a new approach. Less planning, more doing. I have to do more. I couldn’t possibly do any less.

seriously though...

2009-07-06T14:38:00.000-07:00

...when did Asian restaurants start charging for rice? Did it suddenly become scarce? I could get a 5lb bag of rice for what they charge me for one portion. And when I ask for more they act like I'm stealing from them.

It's not the money, it's the principle dammit.

just a moment

2009-07-01T19:42:00.000-07:00

I've been putting a lot of effort the past few months into paying attention. Paying attention to where I am, what I'm doing, and who I'm with. It sounds easy enough, but it's far too easy for my mind to wander off in a hundred other directions and lose sight of whatever it is I was doing. Then I'll mess it up and get frustrated. Surprisingly, or not, I've found that a huge part of it is to simply slow things down. Do one thing at a time. Finish one thing before starting another. Make my actions deliberate. Yes, these are new concepts for me. I'm finding it difficult for the reason that I find all change difficult. I burst out of the starting gates only to lose momentum and focus, ultimately forgetting what I was trying to change to begin with and settling back down into the status quo.

To try and prevent that this time around I've been forcing myself to pause before I start any activity. It doesn't matter if it's cooking dinner or doing kung fu or simply reading a book. I take a second to remind myself to pay attention. In the example of making dinner, I remind myself to not focus solely on the end product. I want to pay attention and be present for each step in the process. I want to make each step a deliberate one. I want to read the recipe the whole way through. I want to take my time and measure the ingredients. I want to be aware of how I'm cutting the vegetables. I want to be present when I put it all together. Oddly enough, I make much fewer mistakes and things turn out a lot better when I do that.

Along those lines, I've been trying to listen more than I talk lately as well, which is admittedly difficult for me. I figured I'd say it before you did. Anyway, being present in conversations is something I've always struggled with. It's where my ADD gets me the worst. I'll talk to someone for an hour and have no idea what they said because I wasn't really listening to begin with. Something they say will send my mind off on a tangent until five minutes later it snaps back and, oh shit! What were they saying again? To counter that I simply pay attention to what they're saying. Weird, I know. I give them my entire attention and make mental notes about what they say. I ask them questions about what they're saying and give feedback when they ask. It's amazing how much information you retain when you actually listen. Don't worry, I can feel your eye-roll.

...

My ST homework for this month is to renew my efforts at trying to be nice(r) to people. I'm not talking about the people I see regularly. Those people are a bunch of jerks. My goal is to project a friendlier demeanor in general. Phase one was to smile and acknowledge people I pass on the streets. I found that relatively easy to do, except the people around here aren't used to it and it always seems to catch them off guard. Phase two was to work in a little more small talk with people I don't know very well. I found that one to be a little more challenging and less rewarding, but a noble pursuit nonetheless. This month I'm going to focus on complimenting people, which I'm finding is a bit of a slippery slope. Complimenting dudes is no problem. The trick is finding ways to compliment women without them automatically thinking that I'm hitting on them or that I'm some creep. Or both. After consulting with several of my female friends, I've been keeping it casual and benign and it seems to be working okay so far. At least I haven't gotten any weird looks yet.

...

Overall I feel good. I feel focused and optimistic. This is going to be a good summer. It already is.

Lowered Weapon X-pectations

2009-06-22T08:44:00.000-07:00

I saw the Wolverine movie this weekend and was dumbfounded by how staggeringly terrible it was. I sat there watching it with my mouth agape, wondering how much worse it could possibly get. Yet, with each minute it continued to spiral down. Even Michael Bay couldn't have made a worse movie. I can't figure it. A bunch of people at a movie studio sat in a room and watched the final product and said, yeah, this is good. Let's release this.

Don't ever, ever see this movie. Ever.

The Last Horse

2009-06-16T08:03:00.000-07:00

At this point I've been single for almost three years now. In that time I've been more and less single as I've alternated between dating and taking time off (aka not being able to get a date). Poor decision making the past couple weeks has resulted in being more single than I've been in a while. I spent the weekend thinking it over and I'm beginning to see a pattern, though everyone else (and I mean everyone) has seen it for a long time.

I've dated plenty over the past three years, but with one partial exception I haven't had anything resembling a "serious relationship". In all that time I haven't had anyone that I considered my "girlfriend", although one came close. Now there are very obvious reasons for this, not the least of which is that I always seem to sabotage it before it gets to that point.

I was telling my story to a good friend of mine over the weekend and she said, "you're just attracted to girls that are unavailable", which wasn't the first time I'd heard something like that. A day later another friend put it more succinctly: "you just don't like girls who like you back". I hadn't thought about it that way before. Hearing that, it all became so obvious. The last horse finally crosses the finish line.

I get really annoyed when I think about it. I can't even imagine how frustrated they must have been. The most recent girl I was hanging out with practically had to twist my arm just to get me to admit that we were 'dating'. My reluctance (read: refusal) to relent on that matter pretty much ruined what was going to be an awesome situation. What the fuck is wrong with me? After three years you'd think I'd have a little more of my shit worked out. I can't possibly be in the same place I was three years ago, can I?

I need to figure this shit out and I need to do it soon.

Falling Forward

2009-06-15T10:09:00.001-07:00

One of my favorites from Empire State Games

Falling Forward
Certainty is certain to be very rare.
You put up your boundaries of what isn't there.
You wait for me to say what you already know.
Maybe you just need to hear it, but I don't think so.
Peace of mind through anger that you don't really feel.
Create complications to cover up what's real.
A common misconception seems to cling to you.
Maybe you just can't accept it, but I don't think so.
Possible intentions of a different sort.
Create complications to hold down the fort.
You made a conscious effort not to think things through.
Cause all that does is question what you thought was true.
Falling forward still counts as a step.
When it's me though, it's not the same.
Reconsider what you're standing for.
Keeping quiet is not that hard.
Why do you surrender your thoughts and emotions for limited surface acceptance?
It's easy to see what you're going for.
Should I just be indifferent?

Give it a listen: http://www.mediafire.com/?oygtzyijmtc

For future reference

2009-06-12T09:37:00.000-07:00

Note: Whiskey is not effective in the treatment of a bruised ego. In fact, and you may want to write this down, it has a tendency to make things worse.

Thank you.

Not even fun anymore

2009-05-18T14:42:00.001-07:00

Seriously, even fucking with the LaRouchies is getting boring. They had a table set up in front of the hospital that you conveniently had to walk past on your way in. The big sign on the front said "Hitler to Obama: I love your new health care plan", and it had a picture of Obama shaking hands with Hitler. Now, I don't even give a shit about Obama, but if it wasn't just some dumb-as-a-rock 19 year old twat (pardon my French) standing behind the table I would have punched her in the fucking throat and made her eat that sign. I know they're not as smart as you or I, but you ~~can't~~ shouldn't so casually invoke Hitler. Especially when you're only using it for shock value since you have no real facts to back up your claims.

Anyway.

As I'm walking past they say hi. The head LaDouchie says, "Have you heard about Obama's new cuts to health care? 2.7 trillion dollars?" With a completely straight face I say, "Yeah, but it's only going to affect poor people". Her face fell. Her composure lost, she stammers a "what?" I just smile and keep walking.

Way Behind

2009-05-14T09:44:00.000-07:00

I'm not doing a very good job of keeping up with this thing. So much has happened lately and I just don't make the time to write about any of it. But things are good. Really, really good. Suspiciously good. I just got back from a weekend out in the 'woods', as much as sitting in a hot tub counts as nature. Three days of no phone or internet was exactly the break I needed. I'm still putting that journal together, but most of the pictures are up on my Flickr page.

Anyway, more to follow. Maybe.

Let's make fun of hipsters (again)

2009-04-30T10:52:00.000-07:00

I was pointed to a site called Look At This Fucking Hipster (lookatthisfuckinghipster.tumblr.com) by Digg a week or so ago. Basically people send in pictures of the egregiously hip and add funny little captions. Parts of it are funny, most of it is just plain ridiculous. There's some crazy stuff on there, although browsing the site isn't really that different than walking to the grocery store and back around here. Good times.

Not too bad

2009-04-23T10:32:00.000-07:00

The pendulum of life that swung so far over into the realm of shit at the end of last year has decidedly swung back in the other direction of late. My life the past couple months has been so incredible that I almost can't help but brace myself against the inevitable crash. I've been able to reestablish a sense of normalcy to my life while still keeping in mind the lessons I learned and the changes I wanted to make following all of the recent uncertainty and change. It's easy for me to lose sight of that sometimes and every once in a while I have to remind myself of that. But things are good now, and I'm just going to let them be good.

I've had a good run with people as well. In the past couple months I've met a lot of new people and made a bunch of new connections. At the same time I've reconnected with older friends and we've made our friendships new again. It's still a struggle to find/make time for everybody, but my focus for the spring/summer is definitely going to be people.

- - -

On Tuesday Joanna and I went out to the Rebar to see The Brown Derby's production of The Goonies. The parts that were funny were really funny, the rest of it was just kind of eh. After the 10th blowjob joke the whole thing started to wear a little thin. I get it: gay is funny. Incest is funny. Testicles are funny. I'm not sure if this is part of their 'act' or not, but they all had the scripts in their hands the whole time and routinely lost their place. The whole thing came off like it was the first time they'd gone through it, which I would think would call for a much (much) smaller cover charge. I did spend some time evaluating whether my boredom with the production was because I was being uptight (it happens sometimes) or because it was genuinely kind of dumb. I didn't want to kill the party with my bad attitude. But no, I wasn't just being uptight. The night as a whole was a really good time though.

She saw me

2009-03-30T14:15:00.000-07:00

I went out to the Redwood with Odawni and some of her friends on Friday night. The place was pretty packed so we stood around the bar for a while waiting for a table to open up. I saw a cute dark haired girl talking to her friends at the other end of the bar. She saw me and smiled, so I smiled back. A table opened up so we all went and sat down. A little while later I looked up and saw her again. She smiled at me again and I smiled back. Her and her friends got a booth on the far wall and every couple of minutes we'd sneak a glance and share a shy smile. The people at my table wanted to get some food so we got up to leave. On my way out the door I took one last look back. She gave me a really disappointed look and one last smile. I gave her my most apologetic smile and headed out.

It's easy for me to say that if I had stayed at the bar longer then I would have talked to her. Despite my best intentions, that's probably not the truth. I'd like to think that I'd have been brave enough to do it, but I wouldn't be fooling anybody. Another blown opportunity to add to the list.

So today I'm on the Stranger's website turning off of my Lovelab profile. I take a quick look at the I Saw U's and see this:

"You came into Redwood a few steps behind me and stood at the bar with friends (black hair, red plaid shirt). I was sitting at the booth by the door (black hair in a ponytail, black sweater). It was fun smiling back and forth. These ads kind of seem like a long shot, but maybe I'll see you there again sometime..."

That made my day.

Infinite Sadness

2009-03-23T10:07:00.000-07:00

Friday night's Smashing Pumpkins cover night at 20/20 Bicycle shop on Union was awesome, for the most part. They played Mellon Collie and the Infinite Sadness in its entirety with a different band playing each song. The second band was two 12 year olds, one on drums and one on sax, with their dad on guitar. There were a couple three and four piece bands but for the most part it was ones and twos. Some of the songs were great covers, others were interesting interpretations. A few were unintelligible. I only made it about halfway through disc two before I had to take off for a birthday party. I never would have imagined that people in Seattle would have ever been into the Pumpkins, but the turnout was great and I had a really good time.

My Saturday plans fell through (as usual) so I decided to hit HaLo to do some dancing. It was my first time there for anything and the space is awesome. It's huge with really high ceilings and the floor was perfect. People complain about there not being enough places to sit, but you shouldn't be sitting anyway. A few of my friends showed up but I spent most of my time trying to meet some new people. Dancing is a good way to do that since it pretty much forces you to be social. I did meet some interesting, albeit a bit young, people over the course of the night. The night ended early so I swung by the Redwood for a drink before going home completely exhausted.

Over the weekend I met two to the raddest, cutest girls ever. Of course one of them turned out to be married with two kids and the other a 23-year-old lesbian. Go me.

Opening Night

2009-03-13T19:45:00.000-07:00

I went out to the opening night for the Poster of the Week show at Vermillion last night. I couldn't talk anyone else into going with me so I went alone figuring there would be someone there that I knew. Luckily there were quite a few. I ran into a friend of Nate's that I had met at another friend's birthday party a few months back. I also saw a friend of Beth's, and in a typical example of Seattle's small world he actually ended up being roommates with Nate's friend. In fact, there were four separate circles of friends there that night and they all intersected at least a little. I spotted a girl from across the room that I knew I knew, but could not for the life of me remember where from or in what capacity. Luckily she couldn't remember either and we spent about 20 minutes trying to figure it out without any luck. We even knew each other's names, we just couldn't remember why. My memory drives me fucking nuts sometimes. Anyway, over the course of the night I saw a bunch of people I hadn't seen in quite a while and I had a really good time.

The show itself was curated by a guy I sort of know through another friend and had some really cool pieces. It wasn't just rock posters. There were some pieces by Troy Gua, who did paintings of two people's faces superimposed over each other. With names like Salvador Dali Lama and Elton John Wayne you get the general idea. I really liked his stuff and spent most of the night checking it out. There were also some huge paintings of rollerderby that would have been really cool if they weren't of rollerderby. Overall I really liked what I saw and it was one more added to the streak of good shows at Vermillion.

----- ----- -----

I'm getting my new mattress this weekend. Excitement.

No Fun

2009-03-09T20:02:00.001-07:00

The Sunday No Fun Day dinner went off about as well as it could have last night. Four people weren't able to make it, and it probably worked out for the best since I was barely able to accommodate the ones that did. I don't know what I was thinking. I invited ten people and with them bringing various friends and significant others there might have been as many as 16 people in my apartment. I only own eight forks for christ's sake.

I spent the better part of the morning putting together the chipotle mole sauce. It wasn't so much difficult as it was process intensive. I bollocks-ed up the first batch by not reading the directions carefully enough but thankfully had enough ingredients to start it over. I finished it up with plenty of time to spare and thoroughly wrecked my kitchen in the process. After cleaning up a little I opted to make some spanish quinoa instead of the soup I originally planned on, as it would have been as big a pain as the mole if not more so. With the food done I put a little more effort into getting myself and my place in order.

People showed up a little later than I had thought, and by the time we actually started eating I realized that I hadn't eaten anything in almost eight hours. That definitely explains why that first beer went straight to my head. Everyone came in with a bottle of wine and Scott brought more of the chocolate port he brought last time. By the end of the night the port was gone (and I only got one small glass) and we had finished off three other bottles of wine. Suffice it to say everyone was in a good mood. It was a pretty mixed crowd, meaning that the people came from three entirely separate circles of friends. I spent so much time doing host stuff that I didn't get to talk to anyone for very long or do decent introductions. But they all got along great, and that made me happy . We called it an early night as everyone had to work the next day, but the whole thing went really well and I'm looking forward to doing it a lot more.

--- --- ---

I had spent the better part of Saturday trying to un-wreck my apartment for Sunday. By evening I was sick of my apartment and felt like going out. I put the call out to about 15 people but only ended up hearing back from two. Nothing really panned out so I headed over to the Redwood to see if there was anyone there that I knew. There was one or two people there that I sort of knew, but not people I knew well enough to hang out with. I tried the Cha Cha next, but it was definitely Saturday night there. I ended up just heading home and watching a movie before going to bed. I've been putting a lot of effort into trying to meet and get to know new people, especially in the capitol hill area. However, meeting new people is not one of my strengths. I guess it doesn't really help that I got cut off from the people I spent the majority of the past five months with, but that's neither here nor there. When I go to a bar on capitol hill there are usually five or six people that I can say hi to and make small talk with. I need to put more work into getting to know some of them better. Which will be totally easy seeing as how I can barely find the time to see the people that I already know.

It's really pathetic how socially retarded I am when you consider that I am 1000 times better than I used to be. How the hell did I ever meet anybody?

--- --- ---

Yeah, I complain a lot and tend to whine about my life more than I need to. But over all I'm really happy with my life right now. I like what I've done, what I'm doing, and where I see my life going. I'm starting to see some tangible results from all the work I've been doing the past few years. It's encouraging and makes me want to work that much harder. I'm becoming more confident in myself and my abilities. I've surrounded myself with good people that I don't have to impress and at least appear to like me for me. Sure, I still have moments of crippling self-consciousness and probably always will. But I see that now as a temporary crisis of confidence, not as the debilitating norm that it used to be. And yes, there's still plenty of work left to do. But things are coming together. This is a weird state of affairs for me.

I like me.

I've never really been able to say that before.

Just Friends

2009-02-25T10:23:00.001-08:00

I'm done for now. After a pretty lackluster fight my ego is officially down for the count. I've received the knockout punch, the dreaded 'Just Friends', three times from three different people in the past week and a half. The funny thing is, I'm not even looking for much more than friends right now. All I want to find is someone that's fun to be around who doesn't mind the occasional makeout. I suppose that could technically constitute 'dating', but I'm not looking for anything exclusive. If it turns into that, fine. It's something I'd rather let happen than try to force it to happen though.

I know what you're thinking but I assure you, this isn't just about getting some. I spent the past three months absolutely terrified of physical intimacy of any sort. That all got sorted out, but not before ruining the relationships that I had at the time. I'm just trying to rebuild what I had. However, these days I can't even buy a date.

Goddamn I've been whiny lately. I really have nothing to complain about. My job is going well, I have good friends and I'm in good health. There are things in my life that I'm not happy about and want to change, but I know what they are and I'm working on changing them. I guess it's just not going as quickly as I'd like. Big surprise. Just ignore me.

Knives, Bats, New Tats, Goose Chases and the 90/90 problem

2009-02-23T08:57:00.000-08:00

The weekend was more work that play, but it wasn't all bad. I had to go in to work for a little on Saturday morning and afterward a very grateful woman came and picked up my old desk. I spent the early afternoon putting my new desk together and shifting things around. The old desk was the last piece of college furniture I had left and I finally feel like my place no longer looks like a college dorm room. I only replaced two bookshelves and a desk but it made all the difference in the world. After rearranging my living room about three times I finally found a configuration that worked and spent most of the rest of the afternoon cleaning up the huge mess I'd made. A little later I went to Value Village to look for some apartment stuff and found a killer T-ball trophy for my collection.

My Saturday plans fell through so I grabbed some snacks and went over to Nate's to watch some movies and talk some shit. We watched Pineapple Express, which I thought was pretty funny although I stopped following the story about halfway through. We called it an earlier night and I went home intending to watch a little TV and hit the hay. Around 12:30 a friend texted me demanding that I come out to the party she was at. She sent me directions and I followed them up until about 1:30 when she stopped answering my text messages. Around 2:00 I gave up and walked home.

After consuming one less than a lethal dose of pancakes with Tricia on Sunday morning I went up to Apocalypse for my tattoo appointment. Looking through the artist's portfolio I was almost ashamed and embarrassed to ask him to do something as simple as mine, but he said it's nice to be able to finish a whole tattoo in one sitting. Well, it ended up not being much of a sitting; he finished the thing in 15 minutes and charged me the minimum. I tipped him well and told him I'd be back. I'll post some pictures as soon as it heals up a little and I can figure out how to take a picture of the back of my arm.

The weekend brought to the forefront a relatively new problem that I've come to call the 90/90 issue. The problem is that 90% of the people that I spent 90% of my time with all moved away within the past year. A few just moved off of the hill, but a pretty good chunk left the state. My pool of 'instant friends', those being people who live close enough to call at the last minute and I know well enough to do so, has gone from over a dozen down to only a few. I've gotten by the past year cramping various friend's style and hanging out with their friends. But if I don't see that person then I don't see their friends. I've tried on occasion making friends-of-friends actual friends with some limited success. However, with all of the shit that went down the past couple months I haven't been going out very much or being very social, so all of the new friendships I had made all kind of fizzled. I sent out 20 text messages on Friday night trying to see what was going on and only heard back from two people. Something is fundamentally wrong with the way I'm dealing with people and something fundamental is going to have to change. That's my job for the next couple months.